


The Crying Game

by Crivellone



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Harry is still a musician, Hawaiian Character, London to LA, Louis isn't a dad either, Pining, Plot starts in England, They all are at univeristy, Zayn is in it bc I wrote it before he left, coast to coast, harry is finds love in all the wrong places, harry isn't famous until later, it takes a couple breakdowns before he finds it in the right place, kind of, no One Direction, still famous
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-15 02:26:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4589505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crivellone/pseuds/Crivellone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry thinks they're just friends, but little does he know his best friend has been in love with him since the day they met eight years ago. </p><p>Or the one where Harry is oblivious and everyone else knows that he's practically married to his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to the Crying Game

“You think you’re ever going to tell him?” Niall sidles up to Kolohe as she walks away from Harry to go to her next class.  
“That actually sounds like _the worst_ idea you’ve ever had.”  
“Fine, but you know I only ask because I know it’s been on your mind.” Niall slings an arm around her shoulder and pulls her close as they walk.  
“Yeah, well… it wouldn’t work. I know that well enough.” Niall leans his head against the top of hers; he hates seeing her hurt.  
“Why do you always say that? You guys are more married than married people.” Kolohe rolls her eyes at him even though he can’t see.  
“Maybe because when we go certain places he tells me not to walk to close to him so other girls won’t think he’s taken or maybe because he’s known me for eight years and nothing has ever happened between us.” Niall knows this; Harry’s said it in front of him before when they’ve gone to the beach or an amusement park with Kolohe. He’s seen the look on her face and seen Harry completely miss it when she has to take a deep breath and try not to cry on a day that is supposed to be happy. He kisses the top of her head and doesn’t bring it up again as they walk to their class. 

Kolohe thinks back to when she first met Harry, she had been at Brighton Beach with her family and had seen a boy looking like he was trying to drag a surfboard out into the water, surfing isn’t something people really do at Brighton or in England in general as it’s not very warm and the surf windows are small. Kolohe could tell he wasn’t familiar with handling a surfboard and watched with worry as he got on it and tried to paddle. It wasn’t long before a wave came, knocking him straight off and had him choking on salt water. Kolohe went over to him and helped drag him out of the ocean when she saw him struggling and retrieved his board before another wave swept it up. Thankfully she was watching him or he would've been in bad shape.  
“Are you a hauli or something? Don’t mess with the ocean if you don’t understand it.” She kept a hold on the coughing boy who was experiencing the strength of the ocean for the first time.  
“W-what’s a hauli?” He coughed again, his brown hair was plastered to his face and he hadn’t bothered to get it out of his eyes.  
“It means tourist.” She got him back to his set-up on the beach and he sat down carefully on the towel he had laid out.  
“I’m not a tourist. I’ve just never been surfing before.” He shook his hair and it swept to the side and out of his eyes.  
“Well be careful next time. Get a teacher or something. I’m taking your board back to the rental shack so you don’t try that again and end up hurting yourself even more.” She picked the board up properly and was ready to go to the rental shack but the boy wouldn’t look at her and she knew it was because his cheeks were red and he was embarrassed.  
“I’m not trying to be mean, I just don’t want you to get hurt. It’s a bad day to surf anyway, the window has already passed.” The boy then looked up at her, cheeks still a little pink but less embarrassed than before.  
“Do you know h-how to surf?” He seemed so anxious back then, Kolohe realizes as she reflects on their first encounter.  
“Yeah, I’m from Hawaii, I grew up doing it.” He seemed so impressed when she said she was from Hawaii, he stood up quickly and wobbled on the sand, Kolohe instinctively reached out to steady him.  
“Would you teach me? I mean, I don’t live in Brighton or anything, but we could be friends and I could come here again and maybe you could teach me.”  
He was so eager and open back then, Kolohe misses how much he wanted to be her friend and be with just her.  
“I don’t live here either. My family just brought me because I missed the ocean.” Harry’s face had fallen and Kolohe can remember how she never wanted to see it that way again. “I could probably make it here again though.” Harry’s face turned into a smile that couldn’t even compare to the sun, Kolohe knows that she was pretty much in love with him from that point on, it didn’t matter that they had no idea if they would see each other again. They spent the whole rest of the day together, sans surfboard. Kolohe had tried to explain to him that you don’t just get onto a board and go, but he didn’t really understand why it would be so hard. She didn’t really care either, all she remembers thinking was _Na’u ‘oe_ , you’re mine. She nearly cried saying goodbye to him that day. He was the first person she’d properly met since moving and the only person she considered a friend. 

They had met again two weeks later when Kolohe was on her long-board going to pick up bread for her mom at the bakery. She had run straight into Harry and knocked him flat on his ass. He recovered quickly before realizing it was Kolohe who had ran him down. He then started to laugh and but quickly made sure Kolohe was okay too.  
Again they spent the day together and found out that they were across-the-street neighbors, they haven’t really spent much time apart since then.  
That was eight years ago and Kolohe’s feelings have only grown stronger and Harry remains clueless. He’s been dating since he was fourteen; he’s had more girlfriends in his 18 years than he can count on two hands, their friends call him a “serial dater” although he doesn’t really like that too much.  
As Harry’s grown up he’s learned to keep his relationships mostly out of his friendship with Kolohe, he’s caught on to Kolohe having an issue with Harry bringing girls around because she’s never been one for subtly. However, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t bring them around at all, or that Kolohe hasn’t met most of them. The thing is she’s been there for every broken heart Harry has had, every one night stand he thought would turn into more, she’s been there to dry his tears and cuddle him to sleep and love him. She has felt the pain in her chest every time a new girl comes along and breaks another part of Harry’s heart.  
Harry has a habit of thinking every new girl he meet will be “the one” and he goes in with all his heart and moves way too fast and it’s continuously bitten him in the ass, Kolohe wishes he wouldn’t always feel the need to be with someone in order to be happy.  
Harry has recently gone through a breakup, the relationship was only weeks in the making but he had still called Kolohe at 2AM with tears in his voice saying he needed her. She had pulled on some sweatpants, grabbed her keys and took the elevator down to the lobby of their building to wait for Harry to get in.  
Sadly she has been in the same position more than once, she mostly just hopes that when this happens he hasn’t been drinking, it’s much harder to take care of him when he’s loose from alcohol and needs help walking and doing normal human things. Thankfully this particular time wasn’t a drunken one. He just sullenly walked through the doors of their building and headed straight towards Kolohe, tears in his eyes, waiting to spill and a pouting bottom lip, making him look like a smaller more pitiful version of himself.  
Kolohe had gotten him to her apartment, not wanting to wake up Niall and Zayn who Harry shares an apartment with. She had taken care of Harry all night, talked him down and gotten him properly cuddled next to her, tucked right under her chin and arms wrapped around him until he had fallen asleep.  
She knows it’s a messed up relationship but she also knows Harry has no idea how she feels so he really has no idea how difficult their friendship can be for Kolohe sometimes. She doubts she would ever tell him because it’d compromise everything they’ve built for their friendship in the last eight years and she’d rather have him as a friend and keep him in her life than to have everything ruined because she tells him the truth. 

After class, Niall and Kolohe meet up with Zayn in the next building over so they can walk together to the parking lot to meet up with the other boys before they leave campus.  
A pain hits Kolohe right in the chest as soon as she spots Harry, he’s got a girl pinned against Kolohe’s car and him and this new girl look like they’re trying to suck the tongues out of each others mouths.  
It’s an unfortunate thing, seeing the person you’re in love with making out with someone else and practically dry humping against your own vehicle. Kolohe does her best to control her broken expression and channel rage rather than pain to avoid crying in public like she’s close to doing.  
Zayn has a protective arm around her waist, both as a comfort and to keep her from launching herself at Harry and the girl attached to his face.  
“I’m fine.” She grits out and pulls away from Zayn. She sees Louis and Liam from where they stand, cast aside from Harry and his preoccupation. They’re looking a mix between terrified and sad, something Kolohe wishes they would stop doing every time something like this happens.  
Kolohe clears her throat, glare ready to kill as Harry detaches from the girl he’s got pressed against the car.  
“There’s a slag on my car and I’d really like to leave. Harry’s mouth drops into a little O shape.  
“’Lohe, don’t call her that!” Harry holds the girls hand and looks at her in apology.  
“I wasn’t talking about her, H. You can get in or move, your choice.” Harry looks affronted and pissed off but he says his goodbye to the girl and kisses her on the mouth. Kolohe wonders how much trouble she’d get in if she ran them both over and backed up to run them over again for good measure. She supposes she has some issues with anger, but they’ve come in handy when she needs to keep herself from crying and find something else to focus on so she doesn’t fall apart. 

Zayn, Niall and Harry all pile into Kolohe’s car after they part ways with Liam and Louis who went a separate way for football practice. No one is talking in the car and the tension is making things uncomfortable, Kolohe is over caring and turns the music up. The song _I’m Out_ , by Ciara comes on and Harry looks like he’s about to choke when the lyrics “I got a big fat ass, big dicks follow” come on, Kolohe side eyes him and glances in the rear view to see Zayn trying not to smile and Niall hiding his smile by tucking his chin to his chest and turning toward the window. 

They get to their apartment complex and get out of the vehicle but Harry still looks upset and hasn’t looked at Kolohe since she called him a slag.  
“M’sorry I called you a slag. You know I don’t think that.” And she really doesn’t, it’s just easier to get pissed off and a little rude than to acknowledge the searing pain in her chest. Harry looks down at her for a second before speaking.  
“I know.” Harry stops looking at her but Kolohe can see the downward set of his mouth.  
“Are you okay?” Kolohe scratches her nails against the small of his back over his thin t-shirt but he pulls away, something he’s never done before; it makes her stop in her tracks.  
Harry stops as well and looks back at her, face still set with the downward tilt of his mouth and the crease between his brows.  
“No, I’m not. Why do you have to do stuff like that?”  
“Um.. you’ve always liked when I do that. Y-you said it feels good.” Her cheeks are flaming and her heart is beating so fast she thinks she’s heading toward a heart attack.  
“Not the nail thing! Talking about sex. Singing along to that song with us in the car. Do you know how uncomfortable that is?” He looks so disgusted; she’s never seen him act this way before.  
“So, are you mad because I was singing along to a song about sex or because you’re uncomfortable acknowledging the fact that I may actually be a sexual being… much like yourself?” She’s mostly just pissed off now; she’s never tolerated misogyny and won’t put up with it coming from Harry.  
“You’re practically my sister, the last thing I want to do is think about you having sex… or talking about dicks. Jesus.” Kolohe can feel the anger inside her like flames burning her from the inside out. Part of her is so pissed off she wants to laugh but she holds it back because it will just make the issue even more blown out of proportion.  
The thing is, Harry hasn’t got even the smallest idea of what happens in her sex life… or doesn’t happen. Kolohe hasn’t had a boyfriend since before she knew Harry when she still lived in Hawaii and she called a boy from her neighborhood her boyfriend when she was 7 years old. There was never a point in dating when she knew it wasn’t going to last if she was in love with Harry. She’s only ever kissed one person and that was before she moved to Cheshire and she was barely ten so there was nothing but awkwardness and a tree branch got stuck in her hair.  
Harry’s really never asked about her love life either, she supposes there has never a reason to ask though. She never talks about any guys in school and never expresses an interest in anyone. There was a time where Harry tried setting her up with various friends of his in the summer before college but he hasn’t tried anything like that since, mainly because Kolohe told him if he kept doing it she’d make sure he’d never see his first day of university alive. He got the point.

“First, not your sister. Second, I can talk or sing about whatever the hell I want to, and if that involves _dicks_ I will do so. And third, kindly fuck off with your misogynistic bullshit. I can’t believe you of all people would even say something like that.” Kolohe can feel her hands shaking and her heart pounding even harder than before. She quickly walks away and makes it to the elevator with the other boys before Harry can catch the ride up with them.  
“I swear to God, if either of you says anything I will have this lift covered in your blood before we reach our floor.” Nobody says anything. Kolohe just stares at the number telling her which floor they’re on and tries not to combust before she gets to her apartment. Her chest is heaving and she thinks her whole body has been set on vibrate.  
When the elevator dings she hurries off, unlocks her door and after slamming her door shut she grabs a throw pillow off her sofa and screams into it until her throat is raw. She doesn’t know what to do after that, her hands are shaking and her stomach is in knots, all she wants to do is hit something and cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hauli = Tourist  
> Na'u 'oe = You're mine


	2. No Smiling Faces

Kolohe paces around in her apartment trying to calm down but after a few minutes of it having no affect she leaves and goes down the hall to Harry’s apartment, ready to cuss him out or smack him.   
The boys are all in the living room when Kolohe barges in, Harry and Niall sitting on the sofa and Zayn on the arm. She knows she’s just interrupted their conversation, which she figures was about her anyway so she doesn’t care too much.   
Harry stares at her as she stands in the doorway fuming and shaking. Zayn and Niall watch what’s happening before them worried and slightly terrified.   
“‘Lohe, lis-“  
“Oh no. No no no. You are not talking. I am not listening. I came over here to hit you in your stupid face or yell at you, but if I hit you I’m pretty sure you’d end up with a split lip and I’d end up with a broken hand and I’m so mad at you I don’t even know what to say to you. What you said was fucked up and not okay and I hope you know that.” Harry looks like he wants to disappear, he’s practically hiding behind Zayn. He’s never done well with confrontation… especially when it’s from Kolohe.  
“I’ll talk to you when you’re done being a misogynist and an asshole, although that kind of goes without saying.” She leaves with a slam of the door before anyone says anything. Her hands are still shaking and her heart is still hammering in her chest, the knot in her throat is getting tighter and the sting behind her eyes getting worse. She doesn’t quite make it back to her apartment before a sob rips through her, not loud enough for the boys to hear, but loud enough that it makes her cry even more. It feels like a pent up scream comes out, she’s not sure if she’s more upset that he was asshole or about him thinking of her as a sister.

She cries in the shower, since it’s the only place that keeps her from hearing herself and from having to wipe her eyes or blow her nose every couple of seconds. All she can think about is Harry telling her he thinks of her as a sister. It confirms everything she thought, she knew Harry never looked at her the way he did other girls, but to have him say it feels like hot metal scorching her skin. She wishes someone could just make her stop loving him, the pain in her chest is the most painful it has ever been and all she wants to do is make it stop. She can’t think of anything in her life that has ever hurt as bad as loving Harry and knowing he doesn’t love her the same way. Nothing could ache like being someone’s _‘sometimes’_ when they’re you’re _‘all the time.’_ She drops everything for Harry, but he works on his own time, calls when it’s convenient, texts whenever, doesn’t think twice about calling at 2AM after a breakup, he doesn’t realize that she revolves around his life, she always has because he has always needed her to. She’d never do it for anyone else, she just doesn’t know how to have Harry in her life and not put him first all the time. She needs to work on that.   
When she gets out her eyes burn and there’s only a slight shake in her hands left. She checks her phone, there’s a text from Niall and one from Harry. 

To: Kolohe  
From: Niall

_Text if you need anything. We love you._

To: Kolohe  
From: H

_I’m sorry. Please talk to me._

Kolohe only texts Niall back with “I will, love you guys” and ignores Harry’s message.  
If she’s honest, she’s hurt and offended, both by Harry calling her his sister and by him saying he doesn’t want to think about her having sex. It’s not that she _wants_ him or anyone else to think about her having sex, but she’d like to be respected enough for him to not be repulsed by the idea of her doing the same thing he does all the time. She feels like he’s stopped thinking about her as a woman or even as a person; she feels like she’s become less of a person to him and that doesn’t sit well with her. She knows that he sees her as someone that’s always around and always there for him, but she doesn’t think that warrants being treated like she’s not deserving of the same respect he gives everyone else… if anything it should mean he respects her more.

Somehow plans get made to have the boys over at her place for a movie and dinner so she fixes up enough food for five guys (assuming Harry will come), picks out a movie and picks up the dozen cat toys strewn about the place and feeds her cat, Seymour.  
At 8PM there’s a knock at the door and then three boys barging in before she can even get there to open it, Harry is the very last to enter, his eyes stay averted to the floor.   
“When are Lou and Li gonna be here?”  
“Ten minutes.” Harry’s voice takes the group by surprise. Kolohe’s still mad at him, but she’s never been able to take him being sad. Her instinct is to fix it, to make the worried eyes and furrowed brow go away. The thing is, she doesn’t know what to say because she’s hurt and sad too, and what Harry said wasn’t okay. She doesn’t say anything, she just nods to confirm she heard him and goes to the kitchen. Harry picks up Seymour and sits down on the sofa to avoid looking at anyone. 

Niall comes into the kitchen to help Kolohe make up plates for everyone. They can hear Zayn and Harry bickering about something from the living room and Kolohe just watches Harry pet Seymour under his chin while he faces a look from Zayn that is known as _The Look_ , one that indicates the receiver of the look is a dumbass.

“Sorry for not telling you Harry was coming.” Kolohe shakes her head and puts more potatoes on Liam’s plate.  
“It’s fine. I assumed he’d be here.” She picks up a new plate and puts food on it according to Harry’s preferences. She catches Niall giving her a sympathetic look but ignores it.   
Liam and Louis walk in shortly after and lighten the mood; Louis is as loud as ever and sparks up a conversation with Niall about some sports team Kolohe doesn’t completely understand. Zayn puts the movie in and sits on the sofa next to Harry again.   
Kolohe passes out plates with Niall and gets everyone something to drink. She sits in the space between Zayn and Harry and tries not to get poked in the sides by their elbows as they eat.   
“‘Lohe, aren’t you eating?” Harry looks at her with worry creasing his brow.   
“No, not hungry.” The conversation goes ignored by the rest, too busy watching the movie, but Harry keeps that worry between his eyebrows and she knows why. There was a time when they were around fifteen when Kolohe thought that if she lost weight or looked different, Harry would like her in the way she liked him. She cut down on her meals and exercised rigorously. She dropped twenty pounds in under two months which got her sent to the emergency room for fainting when she got up to sharpen a pencil in class, after some tests she found out she had an Iron and Vitamin D deficiency and the lack of eating made it even worse. Harry has never forgotten, but Kolohe hasn’t had any problems like that since then. She thinned out during a growth spurt and hasn’t changed much body-wise since then. Harry still has no idea why she really did it, his mom had told him that sometimes teenage girls have low self esteem and think that they need to look the way girls are portrayed in the media, so he assumed that was what made her do it and she never told him the whole truth.   
Harry keeps giving her the same worried look, so to get him off her back she says, “I’ll eat later” in a slightly annoyed tone. 

Niall falls asleep almost immediately after finishing his meal and Liam is snoring shortly after. Kolohe gets up once everyone has abandoned their plates on the coffee table and picks them up to bring them into the kitchen. She’s about to go back to gather up glasses and bottles but Harry is walking into the kitchen with them all in his large hands.   
“Thanks.” She takes what she can out of his grip and brings them to the sink to wash, Harry throws the beer bottles in the recycling bin. Kolohe turns the water on as Harry walks over and leans against the counter beside her. She knows he's going to say something so she waits for it, hoping it'll be quick and not lead to more crying.  
“Listen, I-“ Kolohe turns to look at him, “I really don’t want to talk about it, H.” Harry stands there for a minute just looking at her as she turns back toward the sink but hesitates to start washing anything.   
He moves behind her and slips his arms around her waist, front flush to her back and head hooked over her shoulder, “You’re mad at me and I want to fix it. I hate when you don’t talk to me.”  
Kolohe can feel the movement of his jaw as he talks against her shoulder and cheek, he’s holding her so tight against him and all she wants to do is cry because it’s not real. It’s not real like she wants it to be, this isn’t anything more than him wanting to be forgiven by his best friend but to her the closeness feels a lot like what she wishes she had with him.   
She puts her hands over his and tries not let him know she’s got tears streaking down her cheeks and the knot in her throat hurts so bad because she’s keeping all the sobbing she needs to do locked inside.   
“Harry.” She struggles with his name; she can feel her whole body starting to tremble. “Please.” Her voice almost breaks, but she keeps it together. She’s not even sure what she means. _please love me, please stop hurting me, please understand, please don’t do this, please let me go._ Everything hurts, it takes everything in her not to collapse as Harry’s arms loosen around her and he creates space between them. She wants to yell at him, tell him it's his fault she's not talking to him, it's his fault for being so blind to how she feels, for making her feel trapped and unable to tell him the truth, it's his fault for depending on her and expecting things from her but giving so little in return.  
“I’m sorry.” He retreats back into the living room, wondering if there’s anything he could say or do to fix this. They rarely ever fight, and knowing this isn’t something that’s going to be resolved quickly makes his entire world feel like it’s crumbling. 

Kolohe turns the water up more, trying to muffle the sounds she’s trying not to make as she cries and tries to clean the dirty plates and glasses. Her glasses keep slipping down her nose and her sudsy hands are just making a mess when she tries to push them back up… she feels like such a loser.  
She’s on the last of the cutlery when she starts crying hard enough that a sob makes its way out, loud enough for the boys who are awake to hear. Harry looks over but Niall is had already woken up and started on his way over to her. She was leaning forward against the counter top, looking like she was in pain, and right as Niall placed a hand on her back she turned around and let him hold her.   
Harry’s never had a problem with the other boys, but something about Kolohe relying on them instead of him makes his insides churn. He’s never had to be in the position of being cast aside from Kolohe or being over looked for someone else, never with Kolohe, and now her not even wanting to talk to him to fix things and leaning on one of the other boys feels like he’s being replaced. He’s never been jealous of any of their friendships with Kolohe, but now he thinks that all has changed. He’s not sure what he’s feeling, but he definitely doesn’t like it. He knows it’s not even been a day since this fight began, but it’s never been like this before. Kolohe has never been this mad at him, or looked so broken over one of their fights. She’s never refused to talk to him, or cried like this because of something he’s done or said.  
Niall hugs her and rocks back and forth with his arms around her and Harry catches a glimpse of her hands fisted tight in the back of shirt, making wet marks from where she’s holding onto him and he wants to take Niall’s place. He doesn’t know why it’s so different this time, why she’s so mad this time. He understands that he shouldn’t have said what he did, Niall and Zayn had been perfectly clear that you’re not supposed to tell a girl who is not your sister that that’s how you see them and that he was being a judgmental ass-hat. 

Harry decides to fix it, whether it’s a good time or not. He can’t handle having Kolohe mad at him, her face looks so broken every time he glances over. He gets up and walks into the kitchen, ready to work out the issues that came up today.  
Niall sees him first and looks to Kolohe before leaving, but once she gives a slight nod in agreement to talk to him, he lets Harry alone with her.   
“I can’t leave here knowing you’re mad at me. We don’t fight. We don’t. Please talk to me, babe.” Harry puts a hand on her waist and hopes she won’t pull away.   
“Harry, this isn’t something we can talk about if you meant what you said. I can’t change your mind if that’s what you think about when you think of me. It’s not my fault that you’re uncomfortable with parts of me or my life.” Kolohe hasn’t pulled away from his touch she just stays still.   
“It’s not… I didn’t mean to make you feel like I’m uncomfortable with parts of you. I don’t know why I said that. I’m just protective of you; I don’t know how to not be. I guess it freaked me out, I dunno, realizing you’re a grown up? I honestly don’t know how to explain it.”  
“You can’t be protective of me in a way that keeps me from being able to be myself. You have no idea what my sex life is like; you never ask if I’m seeing someone and I never talk about it. For you to think that you get an opinion on it is unfair and ridiculous. I feel like sometimes you forget I’m a person and I have pieces of me you don’t know about or ask about just because we’ve not discussed them like we do with you.”  
Harry looks down at the floor; he can’t believe he made her feel like this.  
“I didn’t mean to ever make you feel like that. I mean if you want to talk about y-your… sex life, we can. I know I never ask, but I thought you didn’t want to talk about it since you never brought it up or talked about anyone. I don’t want you to think that I don’t see you as a person, I love you and I don’t want to hurt you.” Kolohe steps forward and leans her head against Harry’s chest, he’s not sure what he’s said, but he knows she’s crying. Harry wraps his arms around her and waits for her to be ready to say something.   
Kolohe takes a long time to do anything other than cry with her face pressed against Harry’s chest. Harry has no idea that any second he does not love her the same way she is being hurt, and that his ‘I love you’ means something entirely different than hers.   
When she is ready to speak, she first takes a deep breath and then steps back out of Harry’s arms, slips her glasses off and wipes her eyes as she leans herself against the countertop behind her to brace herself.   
“We don’t have to talk about my sex life, there’s nothing to talk about, there never really has been. I just want you to understand that you can’t expect me not to be a full person, without that aspect of life in mine unless it’s my choice.” Harry’s not entirely sure what she means by there being nothing to talk about, but he figures that’s not the point.   
“I understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you.” Harry steps forward this time and Kolohe allows him to pull her away from the counter and she lets him rest his head on her shoulder. They stand in the kitchen, leaning on one another and breathing together until they feel complete enough to let go. 

Together, Harry and Kolohe wake all the boys up and get them out of the apartment. Harry hangs behind and gives a separate goodbye to Kolohe, along with an extended hug and a kiss on the forehead. Kolohe wonders if loving him will ever stop hurting so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls give me some props, I have cramps. thnx


	3. Heart Laced With Slugs

In the following week Harry comes over every morning before his classes and spends even more time with Kolohe on Fridays when they both have no classes. They watch _F.R.I.E.N.D.S_ and catch up with one another for an hour or so without anyone else around. That week it feels like Harry is more Kolohe’s than anyone else’s. She supposes she gets a little too used to it and got blinded by how stupidly in love she is because after hearing from some of the boys that Harry’s been seeing the girl from the parking lot every night, it makes sense that he’s spending time with her in the mornings because he’s busy with the girlfriend he’s failed to mention even in the slightest.  
That Saturday night the boys invite her to go out to one of the bars near campus, there’s supposed to be dancing and the boys promise not to have more than two drinks since Kolohe is sober.  
They all agree they’ll meet at Niall, Zayn and Harry’s around 8PM so Kolohe starts getting ready at 7PM, scheduling around the time she’ll be taking to dance and sing to the new playlist she made with a mix of 00s jams and recent stuff. Kolohe does her makeup and dances to some _Boys II Men_ in her underwear, taking the occasional break to spin around in her apartment and sing to her favorite parts of each track.  
She twirls out to her kitchen and is almost to the refrigerator when all the boys barge in and stop, mouths open and eyes wide as she stops and looks at them.  
“Uh, thought we were meeting at your place?” She looks mostly at Harry, who is torn between covering his eyes and continuing to act normal.  
“We finished getting ready early.” His voice sounds awkward and Kolohe really wishes they would all stop acting like they’ll start on fire if they look at her. She’s really not self-conscious but apparently the guys are terrified of offending her if they look anywhere near her.  
“Okay, well since you’re all acting like my bra will burn your retinas if you look at me, I’m going to go get dressed.” Kolohe hasn’t had body image issues for a long time, and it took a long time to get to where she is now, and she fully embraces her body, every jiggle and curve. She stopped trying to change herself when she realized that no matter what she looks like there will always be something to criticize. She’d never be able to get rid of her booty or boobies and running has given her thick muscular thighs she loves. She’s short, curvy and there’s no getting rid of that. She’s chosen to detail her body with tattoos, a large script of _Ohana_ from the dip of her hip to the middle of her ribcage, _Stay Gold_ on her left collarbone, and a mehndi design on part of her right hand and forearm to celebrate the Hindu religion her father practices and grew up teaching her. She likes the way she looks, she prefers to embrace imperfection rather than dwell and criticize it more. 

The boys all look at each other once Kolohe is behind her bedroom door. Zayn catches Harry with his hands balled into tight fists looking like he’s about ready to tear everyone’s eyes out. Liam looks like he’s about to faint after staring at Kolohe’s butt and all Louis is tell him to shut up before Harry punches him.  
“I’m not sure if that was a good or a bad way to start the night.” Liam says, still looking dazed, Harry glares at him and clenches his jaw.  
“Please shut up.” His voice his hard and serious, nobody says anything else until Kolohe comes out.

Kolohe gets dressed in dark wash jeans, an old faded Ramones t-shirt from Harry and an oversized flannel shirt. She shuts her music off as she stops into her bathroom to grab her watch and secures it onto her wrist as she walks back to the boys.  
“Okay, are you going to look at me now that I have clothes on?” Kolohe slips her coat on and fastens the buttons as she watches the boys, all looking awkward and Harry looking like he’s going to explode.  
“We should start knocking when we come over.” Harry looks like he wants to say something else but he leaves it at that.  
“Or you know, you could just _not_ act like my body will make your spontaneously combust if you accidentally see it in anything less than a t-shirt and jeans? I dunno, just a thought.” She grabs her wallet and keys and opens the front door to let everyone out. 

The night doesn’t go exactly as they’d all hoped.  
An old Danity Kane song, _Show Stopper_ comes on after the TLC song Niall and Kolohe were dancing to when she sees Harry get up off his bar stool and walk towards the entrance of the bar. Parking lot girl walks in and wraps herself around Harry and attaches her mouth to his. Kolohe mostly just wants to puke… or hit someone. She stops dancing and sits back on her bar stool, unfortunately the one next to where Harry was previously seated.  
Harry spends some sickening time canoodling with his girlfriend near the entrance of the bar and then walks back to the bar. He stops next to Kolohe, arm wrapped around parking lot girls’ waist and says, “Could you move so Brittany can sit next to me?”  
“Yeah, I was gonna go see if I could run into oncoming traffic anyway.” Harry doesn’t say anything, but _Brittany_ looks like affronted.  
Kolohe moves to the space between Zayn and Louis’ bar stools and Zayn takes a quick look over at where she was sitting and makes a face at Harry and his girlfriend. They’d spent the first fifteen minutes at the bar being quite annoyed at him, he’d been on his phone texting and checking Snapchat since they’d arrived and had barely talked to anyone.  
“He’s being a prick tonight, he should’ve asked if inviting her was okay with the rest of us. You want to get a booth?” Kolohe nods and follows Zayn as he gets off his stool. Liam, Niall and Louis all follow as well but no one bothers to tell Harry they’re relocating and he doesn’t bother to follow when he sees them get up. 

It seems a lot like the world is playing some sick joke on Kolohe tonight, being forced to watch the person your in love with playing the longest game of tonsil hockey with his girlfriend for the last ten minutes feels like someone is intent on crushing her soul.  
Harry takes a break long enough to see Kolohe approach the bar to grab new glasses of water for her and Zayn. Harry maneuvers around the people surrounding the bar and gets to Kolohe, already stumbling, but Kolohe had seen him take several shots with parking lot girl, a blatant disrespect to Kolohe herself and the promise he had made not to surpass two drinks.  
“You shouldn’t dance out… out there like you were. It m-makes the guys think you’re easy.” He’s slurring his words pretty badly at this point so Kolohe tries to be reasonable and understand that he’s close to plastered.  
“Think I’ll do what I want, H. I’ve made it 18 years without giving it up, don’t think a dance is gonna change that. Thanks for the concern.” She lets Harry fish-mouth as she walks back to the boys with the glasses of water.  
“Do any of you mind if we leave early? I’m just not really in the mood to be out anymore.” The boys all understand, each of them taking the last few drinks of what’s in front of them and gathering their coats.  
“What did he say to you?” Liam walks beside her and puts an arm around her; he’s always been protective of her but tries his hardest not to get too involved in the issues between Kolohe and Harry.  
“He said I shouldn’t dance the way I do because it makes guys think I’m easy. …So I told him I’d do what I want, it’s been 18 years, I don’t think a dance is going to suddenly make me give it up.” Thankfully, Liam just makes a sympathetic noise and tightens the grip he has around her waist as they walk. Louis and Niall go to try to get Harry to come home with them, but he insists on staying and getting a cab home or to Brittany’s place. 

Everybody goes their separate ways when they reach their floor; nobody feels much like dealing with the day anymore after the events at the bar.  
Kolohe goes home, showers and then flips on an episode of _F.R.I.E.N.D.S_ in her bedroom and snuggles into bed with her cat.  
She turns the TV off around 11PM and falls asleep slowly, mind busy worrying about Harry getting home safely. 

At 1AM someone is banging at her door so she hurries and grabs the light saber toy she keeps by her bedside, it was purchased more as a joke than an actual tool for defending herself, but she figures it could be used to take an intruder off guard and push them back out the door long enough to lock it and call the police.  
She peeks through the peephole and sees the warped image of Harry on the other side and hurriedly unlocks and opens the door.  
“Harry, wha-“ Harry’s appearance silences her, he’s got tears down his cheeks, his hair is disheveled and his shirt untucked and buttoned incorrectly.  
“Brin’ny broke up wiff me. We had sex an’ 'nen she broke up wi’ me.” Harry wobbles as he stands; even more intoxicated than he was the last time Kolohe had seen him.  
“C’mon, love. Inside.” Harry stumbles into the apartment, nearly tripping over his own two feet. A perfect example of why it’s difficult to take care of him when he’s inebriated.  
“Alright, coat off and we’ll get you in the shower, yeah?” Harry nods meekly as Kolohe helps him out of his coat.  
She walks beside him to the bathroom and sits him on the lid of the toilet as she turns the shower water on and lets it warm up.  
“Okay, it should be ready. You want me to come back in or are you okay?” Harry tends to prefer constant company in these moments so Kolohe remembers to always ask.  
“Come back, please.” Kolohe nods and leaves to let him undress and get in the shower, she grabs a pair of his sweatpants and a pair of underwear from her “Harry Drawer” that has been a standard feature in each place she’s lived since she’s known him. Harry calls out to let her know when he’s in.  
“Do you want to talk about it now or later?” Kolohe can tell Harry’s just standing under the water by the way it sounds at it hits the bottom of the tub.  
“Later.” His voice sounds more tired than anything, Kolohe reminds herself to have him take paracetamol before he falls asleep. 

When Harry is done with his shower Kolohe steps out and tells him she’ll be in her room when he’s all done.  
Harry walks into Kolohe’s bedroom with his long hair still slightly dripping and sweatpants slung low on his slim hips. He looks small, lips turned down and eyes cast down and sad. Kolohe excuses herself and tells Harry to sit down.  
She comes back with a dry towel and stands in front of Harry, he knows what her intent is so he bows his head and lets her towel his hair. She wipes off his shoulders and neck and then steps back and drops the towel in the hamper in the corner of her room.  
“Thanks, ‘Lohe.” Harry scoots back on the bed and gets ready to lie down.  
“No problem, H.” Kolohe climbs into bed and arranges herself until she’s comfortable, it takes only a couple of seconds for Harry slide closer to her and tuck himself under Kolohe’s chin, wet hair dampening her shirt. He smells like her soap and shampoo, and it all kind of makes her feel sick knowing Harry has no idea how she feels. It’s one of those moments when she feels like she’s lying to him, like she’s living part of her life in secret. There’s so much she can’t talk to him about because he’s the subject of what she wants to talk about. She can’t tell him how bad it hurts to love him sometimes, she can’t tell him the truth about why she doesn’t like his girlfriends and why she’s always willing to drop what she’s doing to take care of him or help him.  
Harry falls asleep easily, body relaxing against Kolohe and his breath fanning over her shoulder; she just stays awake for while, running her fingers along the arm that’s wrapped around her and along his back, she does that until she falls asleep. 

In the morning, Harry is first to wake up. Kolohe curled into his side, one leg hitched up over one of his and his hand on the bare skin of her hip where her shirt had ridden up during the night.  
He can feel the tightness of his sweatpants when Kolohe shifts and her leg moves up further. He slowly tries to slip away from her to get himself into the bathroom to take care of the problem. He then tries not to think about Kolohe while he’s in the midst of everything but finds it harder than it should be to keep an image of her out of his mind.  
When Kolohe wakes up she goes to find Harry who has started making breakfast. She stands next to him and scratches the small of his back with her nails; he leans into it this time and smiles down at her. He tries not to think about what he just did in her bathroom and act as normal as possible. He sure he’s just violated a serious friendship boundary.  
“What are you making?” Harry’s chopping up a green pepper and has two burners on the stove heating.  
“Veggie omelets.”  
“Mahalo nui loa.” Harry grins at her, there are times when she speaks her native language, although not often because aside from her parents, she doesn’t know anyone who speaks it. She used to teach him phrases and a word here and there when they were younger, but as they got older she mostly just slipped into Hawaiian when she was really upset or when she would talk to herself, but he’s always liked hearing her speak, even if he doesn’t always know what she’s saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mahalo nui loa = Thank you very much
> 
> New chapters up tomorrow.


	4. Another Slap to the Face

They eat breakfast together and Harry decides not to talk about the break up with Brittany, so Kolohe doesn’t push. Harry grabs his clothes from yesterday and leaves after they finish eating, he says goodbye and says he’ll call her later, but for the moment he needs to panic without Kolohe knowing about it.  
Harry passes by his own apartment; yesterday’s clothes bundled under his arm as he barges right into Liam and Louis’. Liam is sitting on the sofa with a bowl of cereal on his lap about to shovel another spoonful in his mouth but he plops it back into the bowl upon seeing the expression on Harry’s face.  
“I need to talk to you, but you have to promise not to make it into something weird.” Harry drops his clothes on the couch and sits next to them in front of Liam.  
“Okay. What happened? Didn’t you stay with Kolohe last night?” Kolohe had texted him and Zayn last night so they knew he was okay. Liam sets his cereal bowl on the table next to the arm of the sofa.  
“Yeah. That’s part of the problem.” Liam’s face is mostly just confusion.  
“I went to her place after Brittany broke up with me a-“  
“Brittany broke up with you? What happened?” There’s always a round of concern after Harry gets his heart broken, but for once Harry’s not focused on that after a break up.  
“I have no idea, we had sex and then she broke up with me. But that’s not what I came to talk to you about.” Harry takes a breath, nervous to admit what he’s done.  
“So you went to Kolohe’s…” Liam prompts.  
“Yeah, and you know, she like calmed me down and everything, and it was all fine and normal, but this morning…” Harry makes a long ‘ugh’ sound like he’s mad at himself he palms at his eyes like he's trying to block the memory out, “I woke up with a raging hard on and Kolohe’s leg hitched up around mine and then got off in her bathroom. I feel like I-I I violated her or something. I mean, last night _before_ I got plastered she goes and tells me what I assumed to mean that she’s a virgin and then I go and -and-” Liam’s got a smirk on his face and starts shaking his head.  
“Haz, pretty sure she wouldn’t care. I mean, just because she hasn’t had sex, doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand that sometimes guys wake up with boners. Seriously, you know she’s like the most relaxed person about this kind of thing. We literally just walked in on her in her underwear the other day and she didn’t give a shit.”  
“That’s not all though…” Liam’s eyes get a little bigger and Harry looks more nervous than Liam has ever seen him. “I-I thought… Fuck! I thought about her while I was… you know.” He makes a hand gesture but realizes it's completely not needed and drops his hand to his lap.  
“Oh… well, that kind of brings up a whole other conversation I think, Haz. I mean, I don’t think she would really care that much and it’s not like you have to go and tell her, but I mean, I think you need to like, think about why it was her you thought about instead of a past girlfriend or Brittany or whoever.” Liam can see the anxiety on Harry’s face.  
“You don’t think… you don’t think that I like, violated her do you?”  
“No, man. You maybe violated her bathroom, but I don’t think she would really care. If she wakes up to take care of you after you get broken up with at whatever time of night, I don’t think she would care too much about you having a boner and taking care of it. I just think you need to figure out why you pictured her over anyone else, you know?”  
Harry leans back into the sofa and takes a deep breath. There have been very few moments in his life where he’s been completely unsure of what to do or say but this situation with Kolohe makes him feel as if he’s absolutely out of his comfort zone.  
He returns back to his own apartment shortly after finishing his conversation with Liam. His head is still pretty fuzzy with everything he’s thinking about so he takes his time as he changes into clean clothes and washes his face before heading back over to Kolohe’s. He’s not entirely sure what he’s planning to do over there but he feels like if he just goes over and hangs out for a while he’ll stop feeling so weird. He’s pretty much entirely convinced that he only thought about Kolohe because she was with him all night and he was around all her stuff. He tries not to think about the fact that it’s never happened before despite spending 95% of his adult life with her and he also pushes back the memories of those few times he woke up as a teenager with the same situation below the sheets and the remnants of the dream he’d had about Kolohe in a bikini still playing in his adolescent brain. It's no big deal... maybe.  
Harry doesn’t knock before he walks into Kolohe’s apartment, something he reminds himself he should start doing. She’s seated at her desk in front of her big window in the corner of her living room. He can hear the tapping of her keyboard, quick presses as she walks her fingers across them.  
Kolohe finishes what she’s typing and then spins her chair around to face him. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun and she looks cozy in a big sweater and lounge shorts.  
“Hey.” Harry smiles at her and greets her back.  
“What’s up?” She places the pen in her hand back on her desk and then rethinks it as she looks down and sees her cat. She places it in a cup along with other pens and pencils and pats her lap for Seymour to jump up.  
“Was just seeing what you were doing.”  
“Writing. I have some pieces up for publication in the literary magazine our school does and they asked if I could come up with one or two extras as back ups in case they’ve picked one I don’t want published."  
Harry has always known that Kolohe writes, she was always the best in all their English classes through grade school and he’s always hearing about how good she is from other people, but he has never read a thing she’s written, aside from essays before they started university. Kolohe has never let him read anything she’s written, he’s tried many times to sneak peeks and he asks all the time, but she’s never let him and while he knows he could ask around to get his hands on her work, he doesn’t want to disrespect her like that.  
“Anything I can read?” At this point, his asking is pretty much just teasing because he knows he won’t be allowed to read it.  
“Not a chance. But I’m pretty much done for now, so we can do something if you want.” Kolohe isn’t even looking at him, she’s got her cat sat in her lap and she’s smooching on his head and petting under his chin.  
“I could use a trip to Tesco. Think Niall’s eaten everything but the shelves in the refrigerator.” Kolohe laughs and looks up at him with a grin.  
“Sounds good. I need eggs since you used all mine this morning. Just let me get dressed and we can go.” She puts the cat on the ground and gets up.  
Harry stays in the living room and sits down on her sofa while she gets ready. She has the most comfortable apartment out of the three they all have as a group. Her stuff is nicer too; he figures living alone and without boys makes that a lot easier to accomplish and maintain.  
Kolohe comes out in black leggings and a hoodie Harry is positive was once his. He doesn’t know when half of Kolohe’s clothes consisted of his clothes from when he was fifteen and sixteen.  
“Is that my hoodie?”  
Kolohe looks down, “This hasn’t been your hoodie for like three years. I’m surprised you even noticed. I’ve worn it like a hundred times.”  
“Really?” He has no recollection of her ever wearing it. How could he not notice?  
“Uh… yeah. You gave me a bunch of stuff when you grew like a foot and all your shirts were too short because your torso was like a mile long.” She laughs, remembering his awkward stage that actually made her love him even harder, his hands were massive compared to the rest of him and all of his features seemed too big for his face but just made him lovely to look at. She can feel the smile on her face drop a bit at that… she tries not to love Harry when he’s right in front of her since it just makes it harder.  
Harry smiles, “My mom got so mad because she kept buying me stuff and I’d just grow out of it in a couple months.”  
Kolohe tries not to do something weird, like cry or tell him she’s been in love with him since she was 14, so she just lets out a breathy laugh and turns away to grab her wallet and keys from the kitchen. 

Some days Kolohe gets by just fine, no unexpected chest pain when she looks at Harry, no heart crushing incidents like him having a new girlfriend or treating her like she’s not the only one who’s in love in their relationship and a minute later looking at another girl. Today is not a pain free day. Today it hurts just to look at him. She has wanted him in a way she’s not allowed to have him for so long and there are things she wants to say but can’t, it feels like the first time she got caught in the impact zone and had every breath stolen the moment she took it. That feeling of pain in her lungs and chest, and the terror that filled her veins like salt water, except this time it’s just pain from one person existing and the fear that they’ll find out the truth if it shows on her face too much. 

They share a cart at Tesco and go through all of the grocery aisles. Harry tries to get Kolohe to push him while he stands on the end of the cart, but she mostly just tries to hit him with the cart before he can properly get his feet on.  
When they get to the produce Harry makes it a point to touch every single visible piece of fruit and every single vegetable on the grounds that “I need the best one, ‘Lohe.” Kolohe rolls her eyes and lets him.  
She also lets him get on the cart and pushes him around for while, though not without struggle. A cart full of food and a 6-foot tall man attached to it is no easy feat. She nearly crashes into the corner of an aisle trying to turn, she let’s out an “ahhhh” and Harry quickly hops off and knocks right into a woman holding a grocery basket.  
Harry apologizes and when he realizes the woman is staring at him he starts flirting. Kolohe slowly backs the cart up and walks it backward into the closest aisle so she doesn’t have to watch. Harry is too busy to even notice she’s not standing right by him anymore, so she gets away easily and tries not to throw up or start crying.  
She browses the aisle for a good while and stares at a package of white rice for five minutes, trying to keep it together. She decides she hates the entire rice aisle and specifically the corner of it where Harry is busy flirting with a girl who is not her.  
Harry finds Kolohe around fifteen minutes later, she’s annoyed and sad and just wants to go home and watch TV with her cat.  
He immediately starts talking about the woman, a smile on his face, eyes sparkling with happiness.  
“She’s so pretty, don’t you think?” Harry is looking at her expectantly.  
“Um, wasn’t really paying attention, H. Did you need anything else?”  
“I have everything I need.” After a beat he adds, “She gave me her number, I asked her out tonight. Isn’t that great? She seems really nice.”  
“That’s great, H. You can check out first.” Kolohe helps him unload his items onto the belt for the cashier. His smile doesn’t fade as he waits and pays.  
“I’ll go start the car and bring it ‘round.” Kolohe gives him her keys, a strained smile and a nod. 

She unloads her things on her own and takes her time doing so. She pays and walks out of the store. Harry’s got the car pulled up and trunk popped, she puts her bags in the back and gets in the car. Harry’s moved her seat all the way back and the steering wheel up to make room for his legs. She doesn’t even care. She looks straight ahead and blocks Harry’s talking out as best as she can. He’s heard enough about this woman; she doesn’t want to know anything else.  
“…don’t you think?”  
“‘Lohe?” Harry puts his hand on her thigh and runs his thumb back and forth against the fabric of her leggings.  
“Sorry. What did you say?” She looks at him and feels heat in her cheeks.  
“Going to The Goldsmiths would be a good date idea, don’t you think?”  
“Oh. Yeah. There’s a live show there tonight.” Harry smiles at her input. 

Thankfully the drive back is short. They go their separate ways once the elevator drops them off on their floor. Kolohe unloads her things and then goes straight for her sofa. She switches the TV on and curls up. After a moment of staring at the Netflix logo she grabs her phone and calls up the only person outside of the boys she actually considers a friend.  
“Hey! Kolohe, how’re you doing, love?”  
“Hey Gem. I was actually calling because I could use a bit of bonding time.” She can hear just how pathetic she is. God, she hates this.  
“What’s wrong? Is H still being a blind idiot?” She nods and then remembers she needs to talk.  
“Yeah. Well, he’s perfectly able to see everyone aside from me, so I guess it’s selective blindness.” She adds a laugh because if anyone can be excellent at humorous self-deprecation, it’s her.  
“I’m sorry, Ko. I have no idea what his problem is. He would be so lucky to have you, but at this point he’s going into the territory of not even deserving to have you. He’s my brother and I love him to death, but he’s being an idiot and a jerk. He has no idea what he’s doing to you and he doesn’t realize how much you do for him. I know you take care of him whenever one of those girls breaks his heart. It’s not fair to you.”  
“I mean it’s not his fault that he has no idea. I haven’t ever told him, so he has no way of knowing. He just thinks we’re best friends, and we are but… it’s more complicated on my end, he doesn’t know that though. I can’t even be mad at him; it’s not his fault he doesn’t look at me the way I look at him. It’s such a mess. God. _I’m_ such a mess.”  
“Listen, you should get away for a while. You should skip class tomorrow and head up here today. Spend like five days back home. I’ll be here with my mum and you can see your parents. We can hang out and do girl stuff, talk about my dumb brother.” Kolohe gets a bit teary. She loves Gemma like a sister; it’s been too long since they’ve seen each other properly.  
“Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice. I’ll pack a bag and be on my way. I’m… I’m not going to tell Harry though, I just don’t want him to feel like he has to come with.”  
“I understand. I’ll see you soon. Let me know when you get here.”  
“I will. See you.”


	5. Couldn't Breathe

Kolohe packs her bag and grabs some of the groceries she bought that will go bad if she doesn’t consume them within the five days she’ll be gone. She shoots a text to Zayn and Niall letting them know she’s going back home and will be back by Monday, and also not to tell Harry until tomorrow so she can get there and then deal with him being upset she went without him. She knows they’ll tell Liam and Louis as well, so she doesn’t worry about texting all of them.  
She gets everything packed, gets Seymour in his carrier and leaves. She makes a stop to fill up with gas and makes it to Holmes Chapel within four hours.  
Her happy mother greets her with several kisses on her face and huge hugs. Her mom brings her into the kitchen and makes her something to eat right away, always worried she's not eating, then she's asking questions about school and how everything is going, and if Harry is with her, and why is Harry not with her.  
“I just came by myself. He has a date tonight, so I didn’t want to tell him and have him not go out, he was really looking forward to it, so…” Her mom knows. She knew before Kolohe really did. She looks at Kolohe with a frown.  
“Still haven’t told him?”  
“You’d know if I did. I’d either be here with him or have tissue boxes taped to face to soak up all my tears.” Her mom laughs; at least she can be funny and pitiful at the same time.  
“I really think you should tell him, sweetie. You know he loves you, and it would make you feel so much better, I think no matter how it goes you’d still feel better.”  
“Mom, just because he loves me doesn’t mean he’s _in_ love with me. I mean, not knowing because he doesn’t know is a lot easier to deal with than having him know and just not feeling the same back.” Her mom walks around the kitchen island and hugs her tight.  
“He’s a dumb boy if he’s not in love with you. You’d give him your life, I just hope you find out one day that he’d do the same.” Kolohe sniffles and holds her mom a little tighter before they let one another go.  
“You go see Gemma. Maybe tell Anne her son is being a dummy.” Kolohe laughs, her moms Hawaiian accent so familiar and missed, being home makes everything a little better. She pops a cube of fruit in her mouth and gets up from the kitchen stool.  
“I’m sure she’ll appreciate that. I’m gonna unpack and let Seymour out a bit and then I’ll head over there.”  
Kolohe grabs her bags and Seymour’s carrier and brings them to her room upstairs. She lets Seymour out first and reminds him where the litter box is and then goes about unpacking. She flips down the picture frames with pictures of Harry and her in them. Just for now, she’ll put them up again later but right now she doesn’t want to see him ages 10 through 17 smiling with her and looking like everything was perfect because even then it wasn’t. 

After calling Gemma she walks across the street, both Anne and Gemma waiting for her at the door. They give her hugs that last a long time and tell her they have activities planned. They’re going to do their nails, have facials, eat ice cream and talk.  
In the middle of painting nails she gets a text from Harry, asking if she can come over and tell him which shirt he should wear. She texts back that she’s not home and to send pictures.  
“That Harry?” Gemma asks.  
“Yeah. He’s got a date tonight and wants help picking out a shirt.”  
“You know I love my son, but maybe just this once tell him to wear the uglier one.” They get a kick out of that and all laugh.  
“I would but he was really happy about meeting this girl, I don’t want to mess it up or anything.” Anne hugs her from the side and kisses her hair.  
“Sweetie, he is so lucky to have you.”  
“Thanks.”  
They paint their nails to perfection, give themselves facials and eat their weight in ice cream. Kolohe tells Harry to pick the nicer shirt, a deep navy and green plaid button down with the sleeves rolled up. She knows it’ll be unbuttoned down a little too far as per usual with his button down shirts, something he’s recently taken a liking to. She tells him to make sure his titties don’t pop out, _“If I can’t do it, neither can you. Have fun.”_  
Harry sends her a string of nonsensical emoji’s in return. 

By the end of the night they’ve covered every topic under the sun, discussing Gemma’s new job, Anne’s life and the happenings in Holmes Chapel since the last time she and Harry were home, and lightly touching on how Harry is doing. She tells them about him touching all the fruit and vegetables at Tesco this morning and updates Anne on his classes, something she knows every detail of despite having a complete different major because Harry usually calls or comes over to tell her about his day. She also tells them about his most recent showcases in London, as he’s gotten a bit more brave with his performing in little clubs and open-mic nights and has been getting more attention from crowds and even has some followers now.  
Kolohe goes home tired and feeling a bit lighter. She watches a movie with her mom and then goes to bed, flipping up the picture frames she’d put face down when she’d first gotten in before she could fall asleep. 

In the morning she wakes up feeling energized so she goes for run around the village and puts on a good playlist.  
She’s almost home when a text and then two more disrupt her music coming in a steady string. 

From: Harry  
To: Kolohe 

_You’re in Holmes Chapel?_

From: Harry  
To: Kolohe 

_Why didn’t you tell me you were going? You know I would have gone with you._

From: Harry  
To: Kolohe 

_Is everything okay?_

She decides to call him to get it over with faster.  
“Kolohe? Why did you go home?” He sounds worried, like something bad might have happened.  
“I just wanted to.”  
“Why are you breathing so heavy?”  
“I was just running.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going home? I would’ve come with.” His voice sounds hurt. Her intent wasn’t to hurt him; she just needs space away from him sometimes.  
“I know you would’ve, but you had your date with that girl and I didn’t want you to feel like you were obligated to come with me and have to cancel on her.”  
“How come you wouldn’t let anyone tell me where you were? I don’t like that, you know I don’t like not knowing what’s going on.” How ironic, she thinks.  
“I know. I just didn’t want you to try to come down when I know you had other things planned.” A blatant lie, but she couldn’t tell him the truth.  
Harry sighs into the phone, “Next time tell me. Don’t leave me out of loop when everyone else knows what’s going on. Especially when you’re driving home, I know you hate making that trip alone.” She thinks about saying, _that's because going home without you makes it feel less like home_ but she refrains.  
“It’s fine. I’ll tell you all the other times. I have to go, H. I need to shower.” She’s still got a block to go before she gets home but she doesn’t want to keep talking about this.  
“Okay. Say hi to mum and Gem for me.” His voice sounds sad and Kolohe can tell he has more to say but she doesn’t really want to hear it at the moment.  
“I will. Bye, H.”  
“Bye. Love you.” Every time he says those words it makes her feel like she’s hiding a huge secret, her chest feels heavy just thinking about it.  
“Love you too.” She quickly hangs up and runs the rest of the way home. She goes straight to the shower, lets a few silent tears out and gets on with washing her hair and body.  
Kolohe spends most of the day with her mom. They go to the grocery store and buy ingredients to bake a couple a cake, cookies. They bake together when they get home, making a chocolate cake and chocolate chip coconut cookies. They make lunch as well and sit outside on the back deck and eat together. The chilly months are getting colder, moving into winter so they wear coats and drape a blanket over their laps, wanting to be outdoors but not freeze before they even finish their food.  
Gemma comes over in the afternoon and they watch some movies and hang out. Kolohe’s mom brings them the deserts they baked earlier that day and they happily munch on cookies and dig into some cake.  
They watch movies until it gets dark outside and then Gemma heads home. Kolohe falls asleep easily, Seymour already tucked under her arm and snoring away.

The next morning Kolohe takes her time getting up. She showers slowly and slips on sweatpants and an old shirt when she’s done.  
Her phone starts ringing, Harry’s specific ring tone, We Can’t Stop - Miley Cyrus.  
“Hello?”  
“Hey. How’s Holmes Chapel?” Kolohe can hear him smiling.  
“It’s good. You sound suspiciously happy.”  
“Can’t a guy just be happy without being suspicious?  
“Sure. But you can’t be. What’s going on?”  
“Well, first, my date went really well the other night. I forgot to tell you about that. But she’s really nice and we’ve been texting a lot.” And there goes the smile on Kolohe’s face.  
“That’s… that’s really good. Is there a second to your “first?”  
“Oh. Right. I’m on a train to Holmes Chapel right now. I was gonna see if you would pick me up at the station in Crewe.” He sounds so pleased with himself that Kolohe doesn’t have it in her to get upset.  
“Yeah I can. What time will you be there?”  
“About thirty minutes.” Again, he sounds so happy and proud of himself that Kolohe just reassures him that she’ll be there. They hang up and Kolohe tells her mom she has to pick Harry up in Crewe.  
She drives in silence for the twenty odd minutes it takes to make it into Crewe. Harry’s train won’t be in for another seven to ten minutes so she waits in her car and texts him to let him know she’s there and in the car so he can find her.  
Kolohe sees Harry in her rearview mirror, dressed in his everyday dark jeans and brown coat with sherpa lining the collar. His hair is flying about in the wind but he just lets it go wild.  
He puts his bag in the backseat of the car and then gets in the passenger seat. His cheeks are pinked from the cold and his hair is messed up.  
“Hey.” His voice is a bit sleepy, like he may have slept on the train. Kolohe wants to lean over and kiss him; it makes her chest ache and her heart race, feeling like he’s going to realize at any moment that she’s thinking about kissing him.  
“Hi. What time did you get the train? You look like you could use a nap.”  
“It was early. I slept for a bit on the way.” He leans his head against the headrest and closes his eyes for a moment.  
“You can sleep until we get home. I don’t need music on or anything.”  
Harry hums and keeps his eyes shut. He reaches out and tries to find Kolohe and then grabs her hand and laces their fingers together.  
“Missed you. Always take me with you when you leave.” He opens his eyes to look at her as he speaks; his voice is tired and rough. Kolohe wonders how he can think they're just friends when he says things like that all the time.  
“I promise I will. Just sleep now.” Harry hums again and gives a squeeze to her hand in his. She takes a deep breath and gets them back on the road to Holmes Chapel, she thinks her soul might actually be crumbling apart at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to get another chapter up today. Check back again! Thanks :)


	6. Comin' Undone

Harry sleeps all the way to Holmes Chapel, he also doesn’t let Kolohe’s hand go--thank god she drives an automatic and not a manual.   
She parks in her driveway, Harry’s house being next door anyway. She extracts her hand from his, which surprisingly doesn’t wake him up. She gets out and opens his door to wake him up.   
“Harry, we’re here.” She keeps her voice soft.  
“H, we’re home. Wake up.” He huffs and then grumbles before opening his eyes. He’s got hair falling in his face but doesn’t bother to move it as he sits there and wakes up. Kolohe brushes it back and away for him. He gives her a sleepy smile and then drops his head on her shoulder.   
“‘M tired, ‘Lohe.” He turns his head enough to nose her neck. She feels like she’s dying… but in a good way. She pets his hair and twirls a curl around her finger.   
“I know, 'ipo. But we’re home so you can go sleep in your bed and your mom will make you food when you wake up.”  
“Mum doesn’t know I’m home. I came ‘cause you left.” Kolohe does an excellent job of not getting tears in her eyes… kind of.   
“Lets get you home then, your mom will be happy to see you.” Harry harrumphs and unclasps his seat belt.   
“Fine.” He says as he shifts to get out of the car, “you’re coming with me though. I didn’t come here to see you just to have you go again.” Kolohe has no idea how he can just say things like that without thinking. Their friendship is such a mess and he has no idea.   
“Okay. Grab your bag and let’s go.”  
They walk over to Harry’s house and unsurprisingly Anne and Gemma are startled at his arrival.   
“I brought you your very tired son.” Anne laughs and gives Harry a hug. After a round of hugging and “why didn’t you tell us you were coming?” Harry tells Anne that he came because Kolohe left him and he missed her. Kolohe gets two of the same ‘we’re so sorry’ looks.  
Harry goes to the living room instead of heading to his bedroom to sleep so Kolohe follows him. He grabs the blanket off the back of the sofa but doesn’t sit down.  
“You lay first.” Harry tells her. She takes her coat off and lies down on the couch. Harry follows, wedging himself both in front and slightly on top of Kolohe’s body. He drags her down until she’s angled enough for him to be slightly cradled by her arms and chest.   
“Are you good now?” Kolohe brushes his hair back from his face for him.  
“Yeah. Will you play with my hair? It feels nice.”   
“‘Course.” She sinks a hand into his curls and scratches at his scalp making him ‘Mmmmm’ from deep in his throat. Kolohe feels like she's won something.   
Harry grabs the remote and flicks the TV on. He finds a show on teen nick and lets it play. It’s not long until he’s fully asleep. Kolohe keeps playing with his hair and lets him sleep despite having to pee. Harry suddenly moves in his sleep, something he swears he doesn’t do, but as someone who has shared sleeping spaces with him hundreds of times, she knows he absolutely does, all the time.   
Harry starts moving and shuffles his body back onto Kolohe’s and then in one quick motion gets himself flipped over so the two of them are front to front. He wakes just enough to rearrange himself and get comfortable, pressing himself closer to Kolohe so he’s half on top of her, head right in the space between her neck and shoulder and one arm with his hand right on her boob, which she knows he’d be embarrassed about if he woke up and noticed it there, so she moves it just enough so it falls to her side and Harry snuggles up and starts snoring lightly.   
Kolohe stays awake watching iCarly on TV, Harry’s too heavy for her to move enough to grab the remote, but after the third episode she gets into it and laughs quietly at the occasional funny bit. Harry just lightly snores away and keeps trying to move closer even though he’s already half on top of her and has his nose pressed against the underside of her jaw.   
When Harry wakes up he considers pretending to still be asleep, Kolohe’s fingers toying with his hair feels delightful. He doesn’t pretend though, he tips his head up and gives Kolohe a sleepy smile. Kolohe brushes his hair back out of his face and pokes his dimple.   
“Time ’s it?” Harry tucks his head back under her chin and hums when Kolohe pets his hair again.   
“It’s noon. You’ve been sleeping for like two hours.”   
“You could’ve woken me up.” Harry bumps his nose against Kolohe’s throat.  
“Yeah right. You were snoring, it’s impossible to wake you up when you’re snoring.” Kolohe pinches his side and earns a whine from Harry making him laugh sleepily.   
“Wanna go see if the bakery has anything good?” Harry props himself up on his elbow and holds himself above Kolohe. She can feel her cheeks get hot and her hands wanting to shake, he has no idea that she’s fighting a battle in her head just to keep from pulling him back down and kissing him.   
“Sure. I gotta pee like a mother though so I’m gonna need you to extract yourself from my body.” She does have to pee, but she would’ve had to make a get-away excuse to let her cheeks return to a normal temperature. Harry just laughs and rolls off of her onto the floor. Kolohe pretends she’s going to step on him and gets a smile out of him before getting up and going to the bathroom. 

The two of them walk around town for a good while before stopping into the bakery, Harry buys two cookies and orders them both iced coffees. They pop their straws into the lids of their cups and make their way outside. Harry drags her around to the park they used to go to all the time when they were young. They go on the swings and Harry nearly gets stuck in the slide and can now touch the monkey bars while he walks under them. Kolohe just watches him fool around and trip over his own feet on the pebble that fills the box-like area that all of the playground equipment is enclosed in.   
They spend the entire day together; by the time they get home it’s starting to get dark. Harry insists that they stay with each other so he phones Anne and tells her he’s staying with Kolohe tonight and they watch a movie before falling asleep in much the same position as earlier that day. 

Harry clings to Kolohe until they get back to London; he barely leaves her side and follows her around their houses like he’s afraid she won't come back. Kolohe knows it’s because she left without telling him, something she’s never done before and it freaked him out and he just doesn’t want to admit that. Kolohe lets him follow and lets him cuddle and snuggle and be as close as he wants because it feels like what she wants it to be. It also hurts, it hurts a hell of a lot knowing that it’s going to end once their home, but part of her is anxious to get back just to get it over with, to deal with the loss of what she’s had this weekend.   
They part ways when they get to their floor; Harry kisses the top of Kolohe’s head before he walks to his apartment. She unpacks her bag and brings her dirty clothes down to the laundry room and starts it in the wash. Afterwards she has a shower and gets dressed, considering going to Tesco again after being away.   
She’s only home for about two hours when Harry comes bouncing into her apartment just to flop facedown on her sofa.  
“I missed you!” His voice is muffled with his mouth pressed into the sofa cushion.  
“I think you’re having separation anxiety, ko’u aloha. What are the boys doing?” Harry huffs but a smile is playing at the corner of his mouth.  
“Niall, Zayn and Lou have class. Li is out with Sophia.”   
“So I’m your last resort for entertainment then.” Harry rolls over to look up at Kolohe.  
“Noooo. You’re always number one.” Kolohe rolls her eyes for two reasons, one being that he’s being dumb, two because _yeah fucking right_ he’s her number one, but she’s always held a placement further behind in his line of priorities whether he’d admit it or not. It doesn’t upset her exactly, it’s just obnoxious in moments like these where she has to remember that the feelings she has aren’t mutual.   
Harry’s phone dings with a new text message and he quickly checks it. A dopy smile makes its way across his face but Kolohe refrains from asking, assuming it’s a girl, something she prefers not to talk about too much with him.   
“It’s Kate! She wants to go out again tonight.” An answer she never asked the question to.   
“That’s… cool. Uh, I’m gonna feed my cat.” She gets up quickly, not wanting to hear anymore. The excuse will get her to the other side of the apartment and that's a plus. Harry is texting back before she’s even on her feet though... number one her ass. He hasn’t even looked up from his phone to see the discomfort on Kolohe’s face.   
She’s halfway to Seymour’s food bowl when Harry gets up off of the sofa and announces that he’s leaving so he can get ready for his date and pick out a place to take Kate. He doesn’t bother to say an actual goodbye; he’s out the door before Kolohe gets a word out. _Yeah, he really missed me_ , Kolohe thinks to herself. 

 

Harry sees Kate for the entire month of November; making it one of the longest relationships he’s ever had. He’s constantly texting, always busy with her and fails to make time for the boys, much less with Kolohe. They all try to understand because they want Harry to be happy, but it’s complicated when his happiness comes from a place that makes one of their other friends miserable.  
Kolohe deals… or copes, she doesn’t talk about it much, everybody knows well enough that she’s not happy, but it’s no use bringing everyone down all the time over the same thing. Harry tries to invite Kate along to things he’s meant to be doing with everyone, she attends a movie night and a dinner with all of them and tries too hard to get Kolohe to like her which just makes Kolohe dislike her more, which makes Harry mad in return. It’s a lose-lose situation.   
In December Kolohe gets three pieces printed in the schools literary magazine. She gets about twelve copies to give to her family and to give a copy to Zayn who always requests anything that has her work in it. She refrains from telling Harry about it, not only would she not let him read it, but he's also still dating Kate and Kolohe feels like it's secret revenge to not tell him her news.

Several days after the publication comes out they all have a movie night at Niall, Zayn and Harry’s place. Harry invites Kate and it’s unanimous that the rest of the group is not in favor of the idea, though no one says anything to Harry.   
Before they start the movie everyone spends time talking, catching up on what’s going on in their lives and what they’re all doing for the holiday break. Kolohe catches enough of what Kate is saying to Harry to nearly asphyxiate on her own saliva.   
“I found this blog by this girl at Goldsmiths, she posts poems and other writing every couple of days. Like, I think most of it is about the same guy and he must have royally messed her up or something, but she’s super in love and it’s really good material. She has some stuff in the new lit mag the school does… here.” Kate is pulling out the new copy of the magazine and Kolohe is about to shit herself. If it's her that Kate is talking about she'll keel over and die.  
Her eyes flick over to Zayn and he must’ve been listening too because he looks just as terrified as she feels. She gets up and sits on the arm of the chair that Zayn is seated in.  
“I don’t sign with my name… he won’t know if it's me, right?” Kolohe can hear how nervous her voice is. She can see Harry looking at the magazine with Kate and her heart is about to fall out of her ass.   
“I have no idea, I mean… is it so bad if he does?” Kolohe sits back enough to look right at Zayn with the most deadly look she’d had to muster in awhile.  
“Do you have any idea how much shit would hit the fan if he found out? He would never talk to me again, he’d think I’ve been lying to him for nine years… which I have been! It would literally destroy our friendship.” She’s whisper yelling at him as quietly as she can and Zayn looks scared like she’s going to have a full on melt down.  
Zayn doesn’t get the chance to make a comment because Harry is calling Kolohe’s name and asking if she knows who wrote _63.78 Million Square Miles_ and _A Letter_. Both are pieces written by her and both specifically about him. She works to come up with an answer that doesn't end up in her outing herself.  
“The writers don’t know each other really, we just submit our pieces to professors who choose who they want in the publication.” She can feel her heart smacking against her chest with a fury she’s not sure she’s ever felt before.  
“This is really great. Listen to this, _”He is 63.78 million square miles of / tide pool eyes / and sheet glass smooth skin. / He is fifty-foot Mavericks / and a category 4 hurricane. / He is the eye of the storm / creating tornados / and flooding the Earth. / He is a 16-foot surge / devastating my coastline, / wiping me away. / He is 63.78 million square miles. / He is not the ocean, / but he has taken me / into the sea.””_ Kolohe feels like she’s just been paralyzed. She never thought she would ever hear Harry reciting part of a poem she wrote about him. Zayn’s eyes are huge, the whole room way too quiet for it to be considered normal.  
“Isn’t that great, ‘Lohe?” Kolohe can’t even say anything; everything in her brain is static.   
Thankfully Harry moves on and starts talking to Kate who shows Harry the mysterious writer’s blog and Kolohe regrets everything that has ever led up to her creating a blog for her writing and having Harry’s girlfriend find it.  
The movie gets put in and Kolohe spends the rest of the night squished in the same chair as Zayn trying to swallow down the events she’d just been forced to endure.  
Harry doesn’t figure it out. He remains obtuse to the fact that the person he’s become a fan of is his best friend who is in love with him and everything he’s reading is pretty much related to him in some way, shape or form. 

There’s a day about a week before they’re meant to leave for holiday break when Harry bursts into his apartment with a stack of papers in his hand and heads right into his bedroom. Niall and Zayn are home and look at each other questioningly as Harry goes into his room and starts singing to himself.   
The two of them walk to the doorway of Harry’s room, seeing him sitting on the floor with the papers strewn about, scissor in his hand and cutting something out of one of the papers.   
“What’cha doing there, Haz?” Niall steps further into the room and Zayn leans himself against the door frame.   
“Well I found a whole bunch of stuff from that blog Kate told me about, and I thought I’d make a collage thing from my favorite pieces with like… pictures and stuff too.” He looks up at them with a proud smirk and then continues cutting his piece of paper.  
“It sounds like some Pinterest DIY project.” Harry just looks up and smiles at Zayn, still looking so proud of himself for taking on a creative project.   
“Do you know where ‘Lohe is? I can’t get ahold of her. I was gonna see if she wanted to help me.”  
“I’m about to meet up with her actually. I should get going, she’s waiting for me.”  
Harry’s smile falters a little, Zayn presumes because Kolohe is texting him and not Harry. He excuses himself and leaves to go meet with Kolohe. Niall stays at the apartment and hangs out with Harry while he does his project. 

Zayn fills Kolohe in about Harry’s new project. She doesn’t even know what to say aside from, “WHAT? HE’S DOING WHAT?” And then she eventually calms down enough and drinks her iced coffee as she discusses the repercussions of telling Harry that the blog is hers and the collage he’s making is of her work.   
“I think I should tell him. It’s too weird like this now.” Kolohe sits up and looks at Zayn seriously. “I think he should know. Everyone else does and it’s not like I have to tell him what the poems are about or who the person I refer to in my writing is.”  
“You don’t think he’ll get mad that you told him you didn’t know who wrote the poems he asked about?” Zayn swirls his straw around in his cup.  
“Not really. I think he’d understand that I was “embarrassed” or whatever. …How about we just call off the secrecy about my writing. We just stop denying him from reading stuff that’s explicitly mine and if someone tells him, then they tell him.”  
Zayn is about to say something when it phones starts going off with a call from Niall. Zayn can instantly tell that Niall is panicking.   
“Z… I messed up. I accidentally told Harry that Kolohe wrote the pieces in the magazine and then… I mean obviously she wrote everything else too and now he’s really pissed off, he kicked me out of his room and he won’t talk to me.”   
“We’ll be there in a minute. It’s fine, Ni. ‘Lohe was going to tell him anyway.” Kolohe knows what he’s talking about and prepares to deal with Harry in the next few minutes it takes to get back to their apartment building.   
The two of them hurry back. When they get to the apartment Harry is still locked behind his bedroom door and Niall is nervously pacing from the kitchen to the living room. Kolohe takes a second to prepare for what awaits her and then walks over to Harry’s closed door.

“Harry, it’s me… will you open the door?”   
“So you can lie to me some more? No thanks.” He throws something that hits the wall and Kolohe jumps back.  
“H, you know I didn’t lie to hurt you. Please let me in and talk to me.” Harry doesn’t answer for a beat and then after a moment he unlocks the door and opens it enough to look at Kolohe through the gap.   
“You lied.” Harry says, his voice quiet.  
“I know. I’m sorry. Can I talk to you without the door being a mediator between us?” Harry steps back and allows Kolohe into his room.  
“I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to keep my writing separate from me, from who people see me as. I know that people aren’t reading my writing and thinking it came from someone like me, I make it a point to keep it that way. I don’t sign with my name because I don’t want people to know where the writing is coming from. I didn’t even want you to know. I’m sorry, but I didn’t ever want you to know and maybe that’s not fair but it’s my work and it should be my choice.” Kolohe can feel the shake in her hands and the way the rest of her body wants to follow with trembling. Talking to Harry about something like this makes her want to start crying.   
“But you’re good. I _liked_ what you wrote. I was making a project out of your writing before I even knew it was yours. You should be proud of your writing, ‘Lohe.” Harry looks defeated, just sad and confused and tired.   
“It’s not about that though. I am proud. I am happy that you liked what you read but… but for me my writing isn’t about who likes it or doesn’t. It’s mine. What I choose to share is up to me, who I share it with is up to me and I felt like… it was out of control once Kate showed you, and I know she didn’t know it was mine, but I don’t like that it found its way to you. It’s too personal.” Kolohe can see Harry get smaller, like everything she’s saying is wounding him.  
“You… you don’t want me to read it because you don’t trust me? I share everything with you… You know everything about me. Why is this different for you.” He has tears in his eyes; Kolohe wants to tell him the truth so bad but can’t help the terrified knot in her stomach from keeping it away from him.  
Kolohe can’t handle the tears forming in Harry’s eyes; nothing hurts like seeing him hurt. Seeing him hurt and knowing she’s the cause of it aches, sears, burns like her insides are being branded.   
“I trust you, H. You know I do. But there are things in my life that I don’t want to talk about… with anyone, my writing lets me talk about it without having it be associated with me if I publish it. Does that make sense? I don’t know how to explain it, Harry. I love you. I love you so much, H and I don’t want to hurt you or make you think that I don’t trust you, I trust you with my life.” She nearly adds, “and my heart” but forgoes that piece of information. Kolohe can see that Harry still doesn’t completely understand, he doesn’t know why it’s so important for Kolohe to keep her writing from him.   
“So… I can’t read anything else you write? Not even if you write a book one day?” Harry walks closer to Kolohe and tips his head down to look at her when he’s just a few inches away from her.  
Kolohe laughs through her crying, “You can read my book if I ever write one… and, how about I let you read things, but _only_ the stuff I give you. Can we do that? I don’t want to keep things from you; I just want to have my own thing. Just this one thing for me, like you write songs, this is my songwriting.” Harry smiles at her, a little almost-smirk on his lips and bends down enough to hug her around her waist and set his chin on her shoulder.   
“Sorry I got so upset about this.” Harry’s voice rumbles lowly next to Kolohe’s ear and she holds him a little tighter for a second before letting go and taking a step back.  
“It’s okay. I’m sorry I kept it from you for so long.” Kolohe wipes the wetness from under Harry’s eyes and wraps her arms around his neck, bringing him closer again.  
“I love you, ‘Lohe. I don’t like fighting.” Harry holds her even closer, picking her up so her feet barely touch the ground.  
“I know. I love you too, H. So much.” Kolohe pets his hair and just lets Harry hang onto her as long as he wants.

By the end of the day Harry and Kolohe have moved over to Kolohe's apartment and are cuddled together on Kolohe’s sofa watching _Nikita_ on Netflix. They decide to drive down to Holmes Chapel the next day for the start of Christmas hols.   
Harry ends up falling asleep on Kolohe’s lap so she covers him with a blanket and gets a pillow under his head after she sneaks away from him without waking him up.   
Halfway through the night Kolohe wakes up and rolls right into Harry, she has a moment of confusion and then lets it go to curl into his side and fall asleep again.   
In the morning Kolohe wakes up first and takes the opportunity to shower before she wakes Harry up. Once she’s out she can still hear Harry snoring in her bedroom. She dries off and gets redressed before she goes to wake him up.   
“Hey, you gotta wake up, babe.” She gives his cheek a poke and gets his dimple to make an indent where she’s poking.   
“M’up m’up. Stop poking.” He rolls himself over and swats a hand out to block Kolohe’s next poke. She reroutes her aim and pinches one of his nipples. Harry squawks and rolls onto his belly and gives Kolohe a stern look.   
“Get up or I’ll pinch the other three. I’ll go grab stuff from your apartment while you shower here. We can eat somewhere on the way.” She ruffles his hair and leaves to go pack a bag for him at his apartment.  
Kolohe grabs several shirts, two pairs of jeans, sweatpants, three sweaters, his running clothes and his toiletries. She adds a pair of his old converse and his running shoes too. By the time she gets back to her apartment Harry is out of the shower, waltzing around with a towel around his waist.   
“I got your bag, you can dig through your drawer in my room and find something to wear for today.”   
“Thanks, ‘Lohe.” Harry makes his way to Kolohe’s room a little too fast and halfway there he nearly loses his towel and has to slow down, Kolohe lets out a laugh and waits for Harry to get dressed. She hopes this weekend will be able to take all the crappy feelings away that she's had the last couple of weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'ipo = babe/baby  
> ko'u aloha = My love


	7. It's The Game We Love

They leave soon after Harry is dressed and stop to get gas soon after getting on the road, around the forty mile mark they stop to eat breakfast at a diner. Harry orders enough that the plate it comes on is bigger than his face and she makes Kolohe take a picture so he can add it to his snap story.  
They listen to 90s and 00s music the whole way there and laugh hard enough that they cry a little. It’s the most fun and relaxed they’ve been with one another for a while and Kolohe tries her best to soak it up. When they get to Crewe, Seymour is meowing like crazy so Harry takes him out of the carrier and holds him in his lap the rest of the way.  
Harry actually lets them separate when they get home this time. Harry goes to his house and Kolohe to hers, but they already planned on having dinner together at Harry’s with their moms, Kolohe’s dad and Gemma since Harry’s step dad is away on business. Kolohe figures that probably has something to do with Harry's readiness to put distance between them at home again.  
Kolohe spends time with her mom, watching movies and talking and she helps her bake a dessert to bring over. Her mom makes her talk about Harry, something she would rather not do, but she fills her mom in anyway. She tells her about Harry finding her blog through his girlfriend and that now she lets him read some of her work. Her mom gives her a pep talk, consisting of, “it’s okay, sweetie” and “it’s good you let him in more. Keeping your writing from him was never going to work out in the long run.” It ends in a hug and then the family gets ready to go and heads over to Harry’s.

The food smells delicious the moment they walk in the door; Kolohe can feel her stomach grumbling just waiting to eat. They’re greeted with hugs, hellos and kisses on the cheek. They all spend some time catching up before they eat. Without prompt, Harry starts talking to Gemma about Kate and Kolohe can tell everyone at the table wants to tell him to stop for her benefit. The looks on their faces make her want to shut her eyes, cover her ears and sing _“lalalalala”_ so she doesn’t have to see or hear what’s going on.  
Eventually Anne moves the conversation toward starting dinner and has Kolohe help her bring out the food. Kolohe thanks Anne for getting her away from the table a moment, knowing that Anne asked for her help to give her a second to breathe. She’s thankful that she has people who know how hard it is for her to hear Harry talking about other girls.  
They get the food taken to the table and load their plates full, conversation comes easily with Gemma telling everyone about her job and Anne and Kolohe’s mom and dad wanting to hear about Kolohe and Harry’s classes. Kolohe mentions her publications in the recent literary magazine and then the conversation goes in a direction that makes everyone at the table incredibly uncomfortable… aside from Harry who is clueless.  
“They’re really good! I finally got to read some stuff she wrote and it was so good.” Kolohe bows her head and tries not to get too red faced in front of everyone as they agree with her talent in writing.  
“She wrote this poem about like… the ocean and how this guy is like all of the things the ocean is? It was really good… It's like the person is the Pacific Ocean.” Harry stops speaking for a moment and he's got his brow creased and lips pursed like he's thinking but no one says anything too loudly for fear of directing the conversation the wrong way. "Wh-who is the person in the poem? 'Cause it's about someone... all of your poems are, but you never told me who you're writing about, I hardly ever thought about it until now." Kolohe nearly falls out of her seat.  
“I… it- it’s no one. I just use the idea of a-another person to make my writing more relatable.” She feels like she’s drowning, floundering for an answer. Harry looks at her for a moment; she can tell he doesn’t believe her. She doesn’t know what else to say. He gives the rest of the table a surveying and must assess from the looks on their faces that they know it’s not true.  
“Why don’t I believe you? Are you lying?” Kolohe looks down at the table and can feel her eyes burning, wanting to cry.  
“You have a boyfriend, don’t you?” She looks at everyone else, “She has a boyfriend doesn’t she?” He looks so offended that Kolohe wants to run away. The rest of the table just stays silent and tries not to make direct eye contact with anyone else.  
“I read things you wrote _months_ ago. How could you not tell me? You really don’t trust me, do you?” Harry looks like he’s about to cry and Kolohe tries not to look at him for too long.  
“I don’t have a boyfriend. None of the things you read were about a boyfriend. I haven’t had a boyfriend since I’ve known you… or before I knew you, even. I trust you, and I would have told you if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t keep that from you. You'd be the first person to know if I met someone.” Kolohe can hear the way her voice changes as her throat gets tight from tears and the shake from wobble of her bottom lip.  
“Then who is it about? Why does everyone else know?” Kolohe feels her heart sink, she's never seen Harry look so hurt.  
“Because I’ve asked them not to tell you.” Kolohe can feel the hot tears run down her cheeks and neck, her entire body is trembling and she feels like she’s going to throw up. Harry looks worse for wear as well, his lips are turned down and his eyes more serious than she ever likes to see them. He looks hurt and sad and very confused.  
“Wh-why won’t you tell _me_?” Kolohe sees right as he starts crying, the wobble of his bottom lip resembling her own and the tears falling down his face make her want to fix it; she knows she can’t, this isn’t something she can fix.  
Kolohe looks down at the table and takes a second to decide on what to tell him. She has no idea what to say, how to make him believe something made up on the spot.  
“‘Lohe? Why?” Harry is reaching out across the table, wanting to hold onto her hand but she doesn't let him, knowing he won't want to touch her after what she's about to tell him. She looks up at him and breathes through her nose.  
“Because they’re about you.” Her voice is quiet but she can hear the rest of the table go dead silent aside from both moms gasping.  
“What?” She’s not sure if it’s because he didn’t hear or because he doesn’t believe her. His voice is quiet and disbelieving, not upset or angry which allows her to repeat herself without fully breaking down.  
“They’re about you.” She’s trembling so hard it’s visible, she knows Gemma who’s sat beside her can tell and more than anything she just wants to cry and hide and run for a long time until her chest hurts from something else other than Harry looking at her like this.  
“W-why? I-… What? Why wou-”  
“Because I’ve been in love with you since before I even knew what that meant… that’s why.” She doesn’t let her emotions get the best of her then, she speaks clearly and calmly so he’ll understand without her having to repeat herself again.  
“I’m gonna go, I’ll see you at home, Mama… Baba-ji. She addresses her parents so that they won’t feel obligated to leave the dinner. Once she’s out of the house she runs to her house and up the stairs, into her bedroom to her closet. She pushes herself past the clothes hanging up and wedges herself in the back corner after she closes the door. She rustles around and finds a blanket her mom stuffed in the other corner. She wraps it around herself and cries loudly and uncontrollably until she’s exhausted herself enough to fall asleep.  
Kolohe’s mom finds her soon after she’s fallen asleep in the back of her closet, the hiding spot less effective than it used to be after too many times being caught there in middle and secondary school. Her mom leaves her there but cracks the doors open so she’ll know someone went looking for her and found her when she wakes up. 

Kolohe effectively avoids any and all Harry related activities the rest of their stay in Holmes Chapel. She decidedly does not attend their family Christmas party that is shared between the Styles/Twist family and her own. She also refuses to hear about it after the fact. She doesn’t see Harry for six days, by far the longest period of time they’ve been away from one another, and the first time they’ve spent the Christmas holiday apart since they’ve known one another. Kolohe keeps her phone off and dodges any calls made to the house by Harry or his family, or one of the boys seeing as she hasn’t replied to a single text or phone call and she’s sure Harry told them about what happened at dinner. 

Harry spends the six days trying to call Kolohe, even going to her house once, only to be stopped by her dad who kindly told him he didn’t think it was a good idea and sent him back home. He mostly stayed in his bedroom or in the living room watching re-runs and Christmas movies in his sweatpants and unwashed hair. He barely ate or spoke to anyone, he couldn’t remember a time he’d felt so empty. He began to realize just how much of his life involved Kolohe and how much of his daily life was occupied by her presence or his thinking about her, what she was doing, if she needed anything. It made him a little sick so he tried to keep his mind blank or focused on whatever the T.V. screen was flashing in front of him. 

They’re meant to head home on a Sunday to be home before New Years for the party the boys are throwing on New Years Eve, and because Harry rode with Kolohe, he’s meant to ride back with her as well. It hadn’t been discussed between the time of Kolohe’s admission and the time to go home so it’s inevitably uncomfortable when they’re both walking out of their houses with their bags, saying goodbye to their families and making their way to the same car feeling like they’re strangers.  
Kolohe doesn’t say anything when Harry loads his bags in the back and she keeps her mouth shut when he gets in his seat and clips his seatbelt into place. She feels empty, like there’s nothing left in her, she doesn’t even have anything to say. She can feel Harry looking at her, and then trying not to look at her, but she makes no attempt to make him stop. The music playing from the radio is filling the nearly unbearable silence, she can hear Harry’s soft breathing and every move he makes in his seat. She sits ramrod straight and doesn’t take her eyes off the road once they start driving, she’s never felt like less of herself, or more alone. The one person she would go to about feeling this way is sitting next to her and she can't say anything because she's afraid of crying again and she doesn't know how much Harry can handle. 

Kolohe stops along the way to use a restroom and Harry follows her into the convenience store. They don’t talk or even walk too close. Kolohe feels more unfamiliar than she did when Harry first met her. Once Kolohe exists the bathroom Harry tries to approach her.  
“Did you want anything?” He can hear how wobbly his voice is and his cheeks go a little pink from embarrassment.  
“I’m okay.” Her voice is soft and absent of anything resembling emotion, but it isn’t the first time he’s heard her voice like this, it’s something she does when she’s upset or sad and doesn’t want to show it. Rarely does it ever happen that the cause of it is Harry, or even directed toward him, maybe twice in as long as they’ve known one another but never has it ever resulted in them being away from each other for nearly a week or being estranged from one another when they come back together.  
When they get back in the car and start driving again, Kolohe resumes her straight-ahead position and Harry sinks in his seat. He stares out the window and makes himself sick looking down at how quickly the road beneath the car moves by.  
After about ten miles Harry sits up and turns to Kolohe who looks undeniably miserable.  
“Can we talk about this?” Harry doesn’t know what to do or say, he just feels like crying.  
“I’d prefer not to.” Kolohe doesn’t even look over at him, but he can see her jaw tighten and her mouth turn down.  
“Then… what do w- what are we supposed to do?” Harry just wants her to look at him, just for a second.  
She doesn’t say anything for a long while, long enough that Harry stops expecting an answer at all. When she does speak, it comes out quiet and sad, broken… empty. He realizes he’s not the only one feeling this way.  
“I don’t know.” Harry can tell from the shaky breath she lets out that she’s close to crying… he doesn’t blame her in the least.  
“I just don’t want to get back and feel like we’re not even friends anymore.” Harry catches her look at him from the corner of her eye really quick. She doesn’t say anything to him, her mouth just drops into a line and she blinks in quick succession, Harry can see the glisten of tears threatening to fall.  
“I’m not going to lose you, ‘Lohe. That can’t happen.”  
“You won’t." She says it so definitively that it almost sounds angry. He doesn't expect her to make any further comment, but she does after a moment of silence.  
"I'm in love with you, it makes it a lot harder to stay away from you.” Kolohe doesn’t even try to stop herself from crying; thankfully it’s just silent tears and no sobbing or hiccups.  
Harry doesn’t say anything, primarily because he’s not sure he should say anything, and he kind of feels like he’s going to cry too. He resorts to looking out the window again, the silence in the car is overwhelming but neither one of them does anything to take care of it.  
They ride in silence until they get back to London; Harry feels uncomfortable in his own skin being in the car feeling like he can’t say anything or move without messing something up. He just wants to reach out and hold her hand, he wants to know that she’d hold his back just as tightly as he wants her to, he would even just like to look at her without feeling like he’s looking at something he’s broken.  
So they don’t talk. And they don’t talk when Kolohe is parking the car, or opening her door, or when they’re grabbing their bags, or as they’re walking to their building and riding in the elevator. They’ve never not spoken this long when they’ve been together.  
They part with a quiet, “bye” on each end and go to their separate apartments. Kolohe gets Seymour situated again and unpacks right away. Harry goes home to Zayn and Niall who immediately start asking questions when he walks through the door. He had called them the day after the dinner and told them what happened and kept them updated to let them know he hadn’t actually spent the holiday with Kolohe at all really.  
He talks to them about the situation and they tell him that they’ve known for years and Harry of course asks them why nobody told him sooner. He cries quite a bit but neither of them judge him for it, the get him a handful of tissues and some water while they talk.  
“You would’ve never been ready to accept it before, I can’t even imagine what would’ve happened if you had found out before now.”  
“That’s not true, I could’ve talked to her about it or something. I don’t know, I could’ve tried to stop it from being like _this_.”  
“H, there’s nothing that could’ve changed it. You’ve never once considered Kolohe as more than just your best friend, unless I’m mistaken. You’ve dated a new girl every month, sometimes every week since you were fourteen. Kolohe has picked up all the pieces each time things went south. She’s pretty much been your girlfriend without the intimacy and a hell of a lot more of the negatives.”  
Harry is looking at Zayn, brow furrowed, mouth open, looking as confused as both Zayn and Niall have ever seen him.  
“She’s not… she has not been. I didn’t _know!_ ”  
“What would it change if you had known? Would you have dated her? Would you have fallen in love with her? Harry, you can’t just act like she was wrong in not telling you. You knew you didn’t and still don’t feel the same, although nobody even understands how you can’t when you practically act like you’re fucking married. Zayn and I have probably had more feelings for Kolohe than you have and we’re not even a fraction as close as you are to her.”  
Harry stutters through a couple ‘I.. I-I-I’’s and then stops trying to find words. He hopes to God Niall didn’t just tell him he likes Kolohe because that would not fly, Harry would definitely _not_ be okay with that.  
“You got her one of those ticket frames you put your movie and concert tickets in to remember the things you went to together… it’s half way full and you got it for her what? Six months ago?” Niall laughs and nudges Harry’s shoulder. Harry looks like he’s about to have a breakdown.  
“You go grocery shopping together. Kolohe knows the shampoo you use and your brand and preferred deodorant scent and picks them up for you if you mention you’re running low. She books your doctor appointments for you because you don’t like doing it. She knows more about your medical history than your own mother. And she would obviously rather have you in her life as a friend that has no idea about her feelings than to tell you and possibly mess up your friendship.”  
“I get it, okay? She loves me and I’m an asshole.” Harry’s raised voice takes the two other boys off guard; rarely does he ever raise his voice in anger or frustration.  
“That’s not what we’re saying, Haz. We’re just saying that this isn’t just some girl who has a crush on you; this is Kolohe who is your best friend, but she’s also in love with you and it’s not going to go away. We just want you to realize that it’s something serious, you know. Like, she doesn’t just do the things she does for you because she’s a good friend, she picks up all the pieces after every time you get your heart broken, she watches you with other women all the time and takes care of you because she loves you, and you always go to her because you know she’ll make it better. She’s not one of the girls you’ve dated before that breaks up with you after a few days or two weeks, she doesn’t just want the perks and the good times, she’s clearly proved that to everyone who knows about this.”  
“I know. How could I not? She’s barely talking to me. Every time I look at her she looks devastated. I hate feeling like I can’t talk to her or just go over and hang out with her.”  
“You guys need to talk about it, you know? Is she just avoiding the topic or is it like… neither of you is bringing it up because you’re scared?” Zayn looks at Harry seriously, they all hate being so serious, that isn’t the way they’re used to being with one another or within their group of friends and Harry wants it to stop.  
“I asked her if we could talk about it in the car, she just said she didn’t want to. She said I wasn’t going to lose her though, so I guess that’s good.” He sounds sullen; looks even worse off with his shoulders slumped and worry in the crease of his brow. The boys give him a sympathetic look in response.  
“Can we not talk about this anymore? I want to unpack.” He mostly just wants to stop talking about it. His stomach feels nervous and he’s so tired, he’s barely slept since their first day in Holmes Chapel. He’s up from the sofa before either of the boys answer him. He just wants to have a minute to himself to get away from all of the stress. He doesn’t even know what he’d say to Kolohe if they talked about this. Would he have to tell her about the thing he did in her bathroom a couple months ago? Would he have to tell her that losing her terrifies him more than he can fully comprehend even when he’s not in an unstable emotional state? He has no idea how to handle any of this. The one person he would usually go to is Kolohe but he's so terrified of talking to her because he's petrified that if he says the wrong thing that they'll never be able to be friends again and he'll never see her again.


	8. Thousand Words Don't Change A Thing

As Harry is unpacking he just keeps thinking that he wants to talk to Kolohe about this, if this was any other way where Kolohe wasn’t directly involved, he would go to her right away to get advice and to just calm down and relax. He supposes that’s probably a part of what the boys were talking about--him depending on her to make himself feel better.  
He finishes folding what needs to be folded and hangs his shirts up quickly, then he’s out the door to go to Kolohe’s apartment. Regardless of what’s happening between them, he knows he wants to be around her because no one else will do for him what she does, he knows she won’t talk about it unless he does so he’s not too terribly worried about things being awkward. 

Harry walks into Kolohe’s apartment to find her walking out of the bathroom trying to tie the back of her swimsuit.  
“Hey, can you help me? I can’t get it tight enough.” She walks to him and turns around in front of him. He ties the strings together when she says, “that’s good” referring to how tight he’s made it around her.  
“Thanks.” She gives him a smile as she turns back to face him.  
“Where are you going?”  
“The gym. They have the big pool there and I was gonna do laps or something.”   
“Oh, I forgot they had a pool.” He can feel how awkward he’s starting to sound.  
“Do you wanna come with? I’ll wait if you want to grab your stuff.” Harry is so happy to be invited to go somewhere with her he can barely think before he’s nodding in agreement like a lunatic and heading back to his place to find his swim shorts and a towel. Kolohe feels like if she pretends everything is normal then it’ll all go back to the way it used to be.

He nearly trips over his own two feet as he gets back to Kolohe’s apartment in a slight panic because he can’t find his shorts and he starts thinking that if he can’t go with her then things will never get better between them and then they’ll be stuck in this state of unease forever. He hurries back over to Kolohe's and hopes his breathing isn't too labored from all his running around.  
“I can’t find my shorts. I looked everywhere.” His face feels warm; he knows his cheeks have probably gone pink with nerves and running around his apartment.   
“Oh! Crap, that’s right. You left them at the gym. I found them the last time I was there and re-rinsed them and dried them. They’re in our locker. I totally forgot, sorry.” She gives Harry a concerned look upon seeing how anxious and worried his expression is.  
“Are you okay, H?” She steps closer to him, and lifts a hand to feel his forehead.  
“You feel really warm. Maybe we shouldn’t go.”  
“No. I’m fine. I’m probably just dehydrated or something, I’ve not drank much water today.” Kolohe looks speculative but tells him to sit down while she gets him some water.  
She makes him drink a full bottle and lay down for a couple of minutes before she considers leaving for the gym.   
“Are you sure you’re okay? You looked like you were going to pass out before.”   
“Yeah, I’m fine. We can go.” Kolohe lets him get up but walks behind him just in case he gets faint.   
They make it to the pool just fine and Harry’s stomach starts to unknot and he feels more at ease as they start swimming. Kolohe does laps for a couple of minutes and then joins Harry who promised to stay at the shallow end with just his feet in the water until she was able to swim with him in case he felt ill again. Kolohe swims up to him when she finishes her laps and pulls herself up so she’s between his legs with her arms balanced on his thighs.   
“How are you feeling?” Kolohe asks, he looks better but not entirely like himself.  
“Better, I can swim.” Kolohe nods her head and lets him plop into the water with her. She tries not to get too flustered when Harry comes up after dunking his entire self underwater, his hair soaked and falling into his face, the true length now apparent with the weight of the water holding down his curls. He’s got his yellow swim shorts on, the shortest pair he owns and also the most complimentary to his body. Kolohe generally handles Harry’s clothing choices quite well considering his body is almost always on display is some way that makes her want to gouge her eyes out so she won’t stare and make his uncomfortable, but these yellow shorts make her want to die… in a good way. She’s pretty sure that any person capable of seeing would do a double take upon seeing Harry right now, but she tries not to focus on how beautiful the beads of water rolling down his back are and actually be an active participant in their swimming time.   
They swim and goof around in the water for a solid hour and then get out to shower off the chlorine. Kolohe thinks she did a swell job of not having her eyeballs fall out of her head.   
When they get back into the locker room Harry begins to feel sick again after realizing that he’s an idiot for not realizing how strange their friendship is. They use the family locker room so they can share a locker for God’s sake, they have a couple’s membership together and the lady at the front desk always tells them how cute they are together, his stomach turns to knots Kolohe grabs the shampoo and conditioner from the top of the locker. A montage of moments flash through his mind, all of it is proof of a blurred line between friendship and relationship, it's all co-dependance on Harry's side and a river of love and care on Kolohe's. He feels so stupid, he _should have known_.   
He gets that same feeling he had back at Kolohe’s, his face feels too hot, he thinks he might be sweating and that he also may throw up. Kolohe turns around and looks at him and seeing how pale he’s gone and the fearful look on his face she steadies him and makes sure he isn't faint.  
“Sit. I need you to sit.” Kolohe guides him down onto the small bench near their locker and kneels in front of him.   
“What’s going on, H? I need you to tell me where you’re sick? Head? Stomach? All over?” He’s sweating enough that Kolohe can tell something is quite wrong. She gets to her feet and pushes the hair off his face but he just tips his head against her abdomen, he just wants to cry.   
“Hey, ku’uipo, it’s okay. Do you want to shower or just wait till we get home?”  
Harry looks up at Kolohe, eyes big and sad, “Now. Need to wash m’hair.”   
“Alright, lets get you up then.” Kolohe gets him to his feet and they walk to one of the family shower rooms. Kolohe gets Harry to the chair in the shower and has him sit down again.  
“Just stay here, I have to get the shampoo and stuff.” She runs out to their locker and gets what she needs quickly.  
Harry is exactly where she left him, looking like a sad wet mess of a boy and definitely not the 18 year old he actually is.   
Kolohe turns the water on warm and detaches the sprayer so she can reach Harry. She rinses his hair and has him holding onto the shampoo and conditioner bottles.  
“Swap.” She hands him the sprayer and he hands her the shampoo.  
She starts lathering the shampoo into his hair and then asks, “How you feeling, babe?”   
Harry lightly shakes his head, conscious of her hands in his hair.  
“What’s going on? I’ve never seen you like this? Are you sure you’re not sick?” She keeps working the soap into his hair and massages at his scalp hoping it will calm him down and help him relax.  
“Overwhelmed I think.” Harry doesn’t look at her and keeps his voice just above a whisper.   
“Overwhelmed? Is i-“  
“Us.” Kolohe looks down at Harry, feeling he’d lifted his head while she was shampooing.  
“Harry, why didn’t you tell me it was making you sick like this?”   
“You said you didn’t want to talk about it.” He looks down at the soap flowing into the shower drain, not wanting her to see in his eyes how messed up he's been since everything happened.  
“Babe, you know I would’ve if you’d told me. What are you so worried about? I told you, you aren’t going to lose me.”  
Harry doesn’t answer right away so Kolohe takes to rinsing the shampoo from his hair.  
Kolohe is about to take the conditioner from Harry when he answers her.  
“Zayn and Niall were talking to me and they said some things that made me realize our friendship isn’t like other people’s and like… they said um… that I treat you like a girlfriend but without the uh… the kissing and stuff.” He feels like he’s about to start hyperventilating.  
“Babe, try to calm down or you'll make yourself sick." She pauses to let him get some deep breathes in. "I know that this is new for you, like knowing and being aware of, well… me, but it’s not new for me. I’ve felt this way for years, practically since I’ve known you, so the way we’ve been since before I told you is what I’m used to. I’ve been the girlfriend without a boyfriend for as long as I can remember. You’re the one who this is new to, so I mean it’s okay for you to talk to me about it. I don’t want you to feel like it will hurt my feelings if you want to talk this through and ask me questions.” Harry hands her the bottle of conditioner and takes it back once she’s dispensed what she needs into her palm.   
“I don’t want to make you sad though, I can see that you are. We’re so dependent on each other and I guess after talking to Zayn and Niall I’m realizing that they were right about a lot of things but I don’t know how we can change things and I mostly don’t want to stop being how we are; I like grocery shopping with you and that we share a gym membership and that you know me better than my mum does.” He hiccups and starts to cry with a whine from the back of his throat.  
“E Ku’u Aloha, I don’t want things to change either; that’s why I never told you. I have loved you for a very long time but I have never expected you to feel the same way about me. When I first met you I thought, _Na’u oe_ , you’re mine. I knew that I’d always be there for you even if it wasn’t how I might want to be because I knew you’d be mine somehow… some way.” Kolohe sorts out the last of the knots in his hair and starts to rinse.  
“But that makes you sad, I can tell. It would make me sad too. I hate that I’m the reason you’re sad, that I _make_ you sad. It’s not fair for you to be the girlfriend without the boyfriend; you could’ve met someone else a long time ago.”   
“H, there’s not much you can do about that. It hurts, a lot, a lot of the time, but I would rather it hurt to be around you than to not be at all. If I wanted to be with someone else I would be, but I’m not and I’m okay with that right now. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would be. But I don't want that.” She gives him a final once over rinse and steps back to hang the sprayer back up.   
“You’re hair is finished, you can go change.” Harry knows that she is in fact sad and upset and doesn’t want to talk about it for a moment so he leaves her to wash her hair and rinse herself free of chlorine while he changes into dry clothes.

When Kolohe comes out she goes to her locker to grab her clothes, Harry is sitting on the small bench in front of it with his hands in his lap.   
“Did you dry your shorts with the water ringer thing?” Harry nods and she grabs her clothes to go change. Kolohe can tell Harry is still a little uneasy, she misses him being carefree around her and not overthinking everything he does and says so before she walks away to change she presses a kiss to his forehead and says, "Ka'u nani kane." Harry doesn't know what it means... something boy, but the rest he's left wondering about. He considers asking her but isn't sure she would want him to.

On the car ride home Kolohe and Harry decide to get ready at Kolohe’s apartment together for the NYE party the boys are throwing at their place. Harry needs help choosing an outfit and the other boys have already started taking over his bedroom trying to decorate the entire apartment with the New Year themed decorations they all chipped in to buy.   
They listen to a playlist filled with 00’s and 90’s music as usual when they get to Kolohe’s since it’s upbeat. They make lunch and Harry has Kolohe teach him how to do something with his hair because it’s getting so long now it’s always falling in his face.  
They actually have a good time, and it feels like everything is normal between them for a couple of hours. They dance to TLC, Christina Aguilera and Beyoncé’s older songs and joke around like they would normally do.  
Harry has Kolohe pick from three different outfit combos for the party, he’s got all of his bases covered, casual, semi-casual, and a very put together ensemble that he’s rather proud of for even owning. He models each option for her and she asks at the last option presented, “Well the choice really depends on one thing here; how much cleavage do you want to show tonight?” Harry smiles and rolls his eyes, he’s not sure if a day has gone by in the last couple of months when Kolohe hasn’t teased him about not buttoning up his shirts as they are meant to be.   
“I mean if you’re only leaving one or two buttons left done up then what’s the point of even wearing a shirt?” Harry cocks his hip to the side and pouts.  
“Don’t make fun of me, ‘Lohe.” Kolohe grins at him and gets up to walk over to him.   
“You know I’m just teasing, ‘ipo.” Harry smiles at the endearment, he hasn’t heard it in so long, at least not in Hawaiian and not outside of _ku' uipo_ which to Harry is entirely different. Kolohe steps close to him and fingers the collar of his shirt.   
“I think we should lose the blazer since you’ll be inside and it’ll get hot with all the people, and swap the jeans to the dark blue, keep the boots and keep this shirt, but I think it should be buttoned more because it’s a holiday and if you get hot you can just undo the top two and roll your sleeves.” Her smirk gets him to crack a smile. He goes to swap out the items Kolohe suggested and wonders if the people coming to the party will think he looks like he’s trying too hard because his shirt was really expensive.  
“You’re taking forever, are your spray-on jeans not fitting?” Harry hears her laugh at her own joke and steps out of the bathroom to present his outfit.  
Kolohe can tell he’s self-conscious because he’s not looking at her and his body language is off from what it normally is.  
“What’s the matter, H?” Kolohe approaches him and fiddles with his shirt, he’d tucked it in so much he can barely move.”  
“Don’t think I want to wear this shirt.”   
“Why not? You love this shirt. It looks good on you.” She goes about straightening one of his cuffs that he buttoned incorrectly and then tugs at the bottom of the shirt to loosen it where he’s tucked it in. He really does look good, the shirt is navy blue with white hearts that she can see his tattoos beneath it when he moves just right. His boots look nice with his jeans and his hair is now out of the scarf she’d taught him how to do, it falls down to his neck in soft ringlets, framing his face prettily. She know he gets embarrassed when she tells him he’s beautiful, but he really is.   
“You don’t think it makes me look like a try-hard? I just like… I don’t want people to think that. And um… Kate is gonna be there and you know that girls have used me in the past and leave once they get what they want and we haven’t… _you know_ , yet.” Harry doesn’t talk about it much, but Kolohe knows he gets self-conscious because of what has happened to him in past “relationships.” He always thinks things are going to last, he goes in so fast with his whole heart and tends to get it broken. He knows he has a reputation as being a flirt and for being with a lot of girls, but girls have used him many times just for sex and once they get it from him once or twice they bail and pretend not to know he wanted more out of it. That’s become part of his reputation around campus, Kolohe pretends she doesn’t know much of what people say but she’s heard enough to know girls throw his name around when they talk about wanting a hot one-night stand or a “good lay” every once in a while, it makes her curls her fingers into fists and use every fiber of her being not to knock some of them out, but she would never want Harry to know how much she knows about his involvements with some girls.  
Kolohe knew Kate would be at the party so the information about that doesn’t really bother her, and at least this time she doesn’t have to pretend like it doesn’t bother her. But she knows if Kate leaves Harry the same way other girls have, he’ll be devastated, he always is and Kolohe wishes it would stop happening to him.  
“H, you look great. Who cares what they think? If you feel confident and comfortable enough to wear what you have on then I want you to wear it for you, but if you don’t then you can certainly change. You are so beautiful and if anyone says anything about your shirt or how much you spent on it then screw ‘em, I will kick them out straight away. And if it’s Kate that has the problem with any part of you then she doesn’t deserve to be there with you at all, nobody should be using you like they have in the past, I hate that that’s happened to you.” Harry has a blush on his cheeks and nods in recognition of the attention Kolohe has put on him.  
“Thanks ‘Lohe.” He presses a kiss to the top of her head and gets a smile from her.   
Then it’s Kolohe’s turn to get ready, Harry sits with her as she does her makeup. He talks to her about creating a New Years resolution and the classes he has coming up for the new semester and asks Kolohe about what all of the makeup she’s using does. She loves doing things like this with him, very few people talk to her the way Harry does, as easily as he does. She loves when he asks about things he has no idea about; she likes teaching him things because he actually bothers to listen.   
She tells Harry about the brushes she uses when he asks and the difference between bb cream and foundation, and all sorts of things he wants to know about.   
He talks to her the entire time she does her makeup and through picking out what she’s going to wear. Together they decide on a white dress with a blown out skater skirt that hits mid thigh, something Kolohe’s mom got for her a year or so ago and she hasn’t ever worn. She feels confident and beautiful when she gets it on and feels ready to get the night started and celebrate a new year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ku'uipo = Sweetheart  
> ipo= Babe/baby  
> E Ku'u Aloha = My love  
> Na'u 'oe = You're mine  
> ka'u nani kane = my pretty boy (correct me if I'm wrong pls)


	9. About to Lose Control

When Kolohe finishes getting ready Harry tells her she looks pretty and kisses the top of her head and leads the way back to his apartment to help get things set up for the party. Zayn’s girlfriend and Liam’s girlfriend is already there with them, Sofia is helping Perrie with a gathering of streamers. The boys are setting up a “bar” with mostly heavy liquor, Champaign and several types of beer. Harry tells Kolohe to follow him to the kitchen and where he shows her he’s prepared things for her to drink as well.  
“We’ve got, apple juice, V8 Splash, and bottled water and this weird dealcoholized alcohol if you want to be a part of the crowd.” Kolohe can’t help but laugh, he’s presenting it like it’s a secret and he’s really just very very sweet to have thought about her and cared enough to make sure she didn’t feel left out from everyone else who had choices of what to drink through the night. She gives him a hug and thanks him before getting called over by Perrie to help with a banner.

Around 10:30 people start showing up in groups and it doesn’t take long for the apartment to fill up. The girls, Sofia and Perrie invite Kolohe to dance and after a push from Harry she does. She has a good time with them, they laugh and sing loudly to the music without a care. Kolohe keeps checking over where Harry is standing, to see if he’s doing okay and to see if Kate has shown up, but he’s maintained a smile and Kate has failed to be present.  
When the next song starts up Kolohe glances up to check on Harry; he’s got Liam beside him and whatever they’re talking about has Harry looking displeased. He starts texting shortly after they finish talking but the crease between his brows stays and the down turn to his mouth remains the same. It’s instinct for her to go and check on him.  
She excuses herself from the girls and goes to Harry. She touches his arm and leans closer to talk to him so he can hear her over the music.  
“Hey, are you okay?” Harry looks down at her with a disappointed look on his face.  
“Kate isn’t coming.”   
“I’m sorry, H. Did she say why?” Harry looks genuinely hurt by Kate not showing, Kolohe has a knot in her stomach, afraid she’s just another girl who used Harry. He holds out his phone to show her what she said to him. It basically amounts to Kate being told that Harry has something going on with Kolohe and that they’ve been sleeping together for years and she doesn’t want to be apart of such drama.   
“Oh… I- I’m so sorry, H. I don’t know why people have to make things up like that. Do you want to call her? I could talk to her if you want? Tell her it’s not true. I know you liked her quite a lot.”   
“No. It’s fine, ‘Lohe. I don’t want to be with someone that believes what they hear without even bothering to ask me about it before making up their minds about what’s true and what isn’t. Thank you though.” Kolohe nods and tells him, “It’s no problem, H.” 

Nearing on 11:45 Harry’s in the middle of the living room with people all around him dancing. He’s flailing like an insane person and shouting about something over the music. Kolohe steps in and tries to get him to relocate and quiet down but he just pulls her in and makes her dance with him, he wraps his arms around her waist and puts his chin on her shoulder, slow dancing to a fast-paced pop hit. She lets him though, she pets the hair at the nape of his neck and gets him quieted and calmed down.   
“Can I stay with you tonight?” Harry’s voice is low in her ear and his words or slightly slurred from the alcohol he’s already consumed.   
“Yeah, babe. You can stay with me.” She stays there with him dancing for a while until Harry starts putting more weight on Kolohe like he’s falling asleep.   
“Harry, Ku’uipo, stand up for me.” She steps back from him a bit and holds onto his hips until she’s sure he’s steady.  
“Come sit down with me, I’m gonna get you some water.” Harry just nods loosely and lets Kolohe take his hand to walk him over to the kitchen to sit him at the counter there. She has to steady him on the stool before she can let him sit on his own.   
When she gets back with his water Harry wraps an arm around her waist and takes her off guard by pulling her in with enough strength to make her stumble and fall into him. Harry isn’t bothered, he just wraps his other arm around her waist and squishes the side of his face into her boobs and stays there, unmoving.   
“Um, what are you doing, H?” Kolohe tries to angle herself in his hold to set the water bottle she’s been holding down on the counter.   
“You look so pretty, ‘Lohe.” His hold on her is tight and unyielding and she’s not really sure what’s happening.   
“Thanks, H. Would you like to put me down?” She’s on her tiptoes trying to keep her balance.   
“No.” He keeps holding onto her; Kolohe can see Zayn and Perrie behind Harry, looking over at them trying to figure out what’s going on. She tries her best to make a facial expression that says, ‘I have no idea what he’s doing’ she’s not sure if she’s successful in that.   
“I think you should drink some water, ‘ipo.” Harry lessens his hold on her and she’s able to put her feet fully on the ground. He’s still got his arms around her but he’s no longer squished against her body.   
“Like it when you speak Hawaiinan-“ he hiccups and tries again, “Hawaiian a-at me.” The hiccups don’t go away, but he’s passed caring. He’s entered his confess and cuddle stage of intoxication.   
“Well it’s a good thing I know lots of Hawaiian then. Lets have you drink some water.” Harry listens to her this time and fully lets her go. She has to take the lid off the water for him after he fumbles with it, but he does drink half the bottle right away. 

A few minutes before the countdown begins everyone gathers in and around the living room area of the boys’ apartment and prepares to celebrate the new year at once, Harry’s too heavy for Kolohe to manhandle into the living room so she keeps him on the stool in the kitchen and stands by him while the others starts yelling “10… 9… 8…” Harry leans onto Kolohe and wraps an arm around her middle.   
Harry counts down quietly on his own, when he gets to one he looks up at Kolohe and says, “Happy New Year, ‘Lohe,” in a somber tone.   
Kolohe brushes his hair back from his face and kisses his forehead lightly, “Hau’oli Makahiki Hou, Ku’uipo.” Harry presses his head against her chest and holds onto her a little tighter, his fingers curling in around her waist.  
“Think you’re ready to go home?” Harry nods against her and waits a moment before getting up.  
They’re able to find Niall close by, fortunately he’s able to hold his liquor better than Harry so she’s able to communicate with him properly and tell him she’s taking Harry home because he’s drank far too much and isn’t much for partying any more. 

Kolohe gets Harry to her apartment successfully and helps him unbutton his shirt after he nearly rips a button off with clumsy hands. Then she has to get his jeans off when he tries to get under the duvet with them on and complains because he’s not comfortable.   
Harry is asleep before she even gets him covered again and she lets him sleep instead of trying to get him to drink more water, she’ll deal with his bad mood and hangover tomorrow. 

In the morning Kolohe is unsurprisingly awake before Harry. He’s thrown most of the duvet off himself and his hair is a little sweaty near his face so Kolohe opens the window in the bedroom to help him cool off until he wakes up and can shower.   
She makes herself breakfast, cutting up a mango and taking out a container of the fresh pineapple she cored the other day and tops it with some strawberry yogurt. She eats at her kitchen counter/bar area and scrolls through her social media, catching up on twitter and checking her friends’ snap stories from last night’s events.  
It doesn’t take too long for Harry to wake up and start making grumbling moans of displeasure. He walks out of Kolohe’s bedroom in his underwear, hair looking like an animal got to it in the night, and rubbing at his tired eyes.   
“Aloha kakahiaka.” Harry manages a sleepy smile and then scrunches up his nose.  
“Not good, more hungover and gross.” Kolohe laughs and pinches his side when he walks by.  
“I think you’re a vision this morning, darling. A leilani, if you will.” Harry look at her confused, he doesn’t know what ‘leilani’ means.  
“Heavenly flower.” Kolohe smirks and Harry sticks his tongue out and steals her fork to spear a piece of pineapple from her bowl. 

Harry gets a shower and a change of clothes and then he’s fully awake and considerably less grumpy. He joins Kolohe in the living room to watch something on Netflix. Before they pick something out together Harry asks if he did anything embarrassing last night.  
Kolohe shrugs, “Nothing too terrible. You were quite loud at one point and thought you could dance… and then you made me slow dance to pop songs with you, but that’s the worst of it I think.” Harry groans, cheeks going a slight pink.  
“God. I’m sorry if you had a shit night because of me.” He leans his head on her shoulder and brings his legs up onto the sofa.  
“It’s fine, H. You weren’t that bad… you were quite nice actually.” Harry looks up at her in question.  
“You told me you like when I “speak ‘Hawaiinan’” to you, or _at_ you as you said.” Harry hides his face in her arm and lets out a long “ughhhhh” sound.   
“That’s so embarrassing!” He throws himself back and to the other side of the sofa, his cheeks are pink with embarrassment, which makes Kolohe smile and laugh a bit.  
“Well it’s not like I didn’t already know, you do have a look you get whenever I speak Hawaiian around you, or _at_ you.” Kolohe can tell Harry is a little nervous about her saying this, his cheeks won’t fade from their pink tinge and his body language has changed in just a moment.   
“I do not.”   
“Yes you do, you have since we were kids.” Harry doesn’t say anything, just takes Kolohe’s phone off the coffee table to pick a show on Netflix and then he sits on the other side of the sofa for awhile.   
They watch That 70s Show and while it feels like it could be uncomfortable to be sitting there with Harry knowing he’s embarrassed or nervous or whatever the hell he has going on at the moment, Kolohe decides it’s not going to bother her, she won’t let it. If Harry can’t deal with her not censoring herself for his benefit all the time then that’s on him and she shouldn’t feel bad for not lying or not holding her tongue.   
About a half hour passes before Harry scoots himself over on the sofa and curls up next to Kolohe, he lets a beat pass after he’s comfortable and then says, “What look do I get, how do you know it’s because of that?” Kolohe smiles and waits a second before she answers. Harry looks up at her to make sure she’s going to tell him so she starts talking.   
“You react, always. Sometimes more to certain things, but you always react. You smile more, your mom says you get softer, like you’re facial expression just softens, kind of like this morning when you walked out and had this tired, grumpy look on your face and when I said good morning you instantly started smiling, and I knew you would.” His face looks a little worried at the mention of his mom but he doesn’t say anything about it.  
“I don’t like that you know that… it makes me feel like I’m naked in front of you or something. I think you know me too well. ” Harry curls himself up more and then decides to lay down so he pulls Kolohe’s ankles out so she’s horizontal on the sofa and then he lays down and grabs her arm to put it over him.   
“H, I know you better than anyone, we've established this. You can’t really hide things from me at this point. I notice because I’ve been around you for the better part of my life, I know how to talk to you and what to say and how to say it when we’re in certain situations. When you’re mad or sad or really drunk I always speak in Hawaiian, words you know because the second you hear them you’re a little happier, you calm down a little more, you sober up a little faster. It helps me help you, and when you’re happy it makes you smile a little bigger, there’s nothing wrong with that and I don’t think I should feel bad for wanting to make you feel better.”  
Harry lets out a loud breath and relaxes into Kolohe as she combs through his hair with her fingers. They lay there for a long time watching TV and not speaking, Harry can tell when she’s close to falling asleep because she stops petting his hair and he feels her head fall a bit and rest on his. He lets her fall asleep before he makes any attempt at moving.  
Kolohe doesn’t wake up when Harry maneuvers his way off the couch so he doesn’t concern himself with walking quietly across the floor. He’s not sure what to do with himself, he just wants things to go back to normal so he can stop being stuck in a place where one minute he has a regular best friend and the next he has a best friend that’s in love with him. It makes him so nervous when Kolohe says things that make him realize he’s not just her best friend anymore And it only adds to his anxiety when the things she says make him feel conflicted about his own feelings because he knows deep down that Kolohe’s feelings for him aren’t unwarranted, he’s had to have had some role in perpetuating a ‘boyfriend-like’ or more-than-friends vibe even though he’s not always entirely aware that the things he does could be construed as abnormal for a friend. He takes a minute to look at her, something he realizes he doesn’t do enough because he’s never really cared how she looks, that’s never been his reason for being her friend of hanging out with her. He knows she’s beautiful; he’s not blind after all. Her hair is the color of dark chocolate but goes russet in the sun and her skin a medium olive that contrasts to his pale complexion. She’s got blue-green eyes that almost everybody is enchanted with and even Harry isn’t exempt from noticing that the curves of her body are enough to make any person thank God for the female form. He turns away before he stares too long, he knows she’s beautiful but he doesn’t really like to think about it… he tries not to dwell on why.   
He ends up just sitting on the floor below the sofa where Kolohe is sleeping and welcomes her cat onto his lap when he comes over and head butts him. He considers going home but then he realizes he feels more at home in Kolohe’s apartment rather than his own and doesn’t want to leave.   
Kolohe doesn’t sleep long, she’s never been one to take naps so she wakes up twenty odd minutes after falling asleep and finds Harry on the floor in front of her with Seymour in his lap.   
“What’re you doing?” she moves herself forward and pets the cat from over Harry’s shoulder and nudges her head against his.   
“You fell asleep but I didn’t want to go home.” Harry makes sure not to look at her as he says so; afraid that if he did she’d see something in his face that he doesn’t even realize is there.   
Kolohe places a hand on his chest, pulls him toward her and kisses the side of his head, “ku’uipo, mi casa es su casa.” She can feel his laugher under her hand on his chest. He tilts his head back to look at her, he’s smiling as he does so.  
“Don’t go mixing languages on me. I already have a hard enough time with the Hawaiian.”  
“Which is why I didn’t say it in Hawaiian. You’d have no idea what I was saying.” She presses her forehead against his although upside down, but Harry nudges upwards anyway. It feels like things might be okay... _kind of_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hau’oli Makahiki Hou, Ku’uipo = Happy New Year, Sweetheart
> 
> Aloha kakahiaka = Good morning
> 
> Leilani = heavenly flower


	10. To Love and Be Loved

From there things wobble time to time, no one talks about the situation between Kolohe and Harry because it seems too dangerous; if what happened when Kolohe first told Harry the truth then nobody really wanted to know what would happen if the two of them had to sit down and have an honest conversation about it. It gets awkward is the thing, Harry hesitates before he does or says certain things and Kolohe is always checking herself to make sure she’s not doing anything to make Harry think she’s trying to flirt or hit on him. It’s something everyone notices because they’ve never second guessed themselves around one another, and now it’s strange and feels like someone hits a pause button every now and again when Harry and Kolohe are together and one of them hesitates or stutters with a movement they would’ve made with no thought before.   
It gets especially weird because Harry hasn’t stopped dating, not that Kolohe expected him to, but it becomes clear that the boys did and aren’t pleased by Harry’s choice to see other women. They don’t have much patience for Harry talking about the girls he’s been seeing and they don’t want to meet them either, which has caused some hostility between everyone. Harry’s never done well with not being accepted, he’s always stood out, but everyone has generally embraced his quirks and now that he’s not receiving that same acceptance by his closest friends he feels betrayed and angry that he can’t even be around them without feeling guilty or ashamed of his new relationship.  
Kolohe just wants things to go back to normal but day-by-day it seems like things just get more uncomfortable and further away from what they used to be. As a result of all the tension Harry has been staying with his current girlfriend and has been home only on rare occasions to swap out clothes and give his rent money to Zayn or Niall.   
It all comes to a boiling point around the two-week mark of Harry not actually living with the boys. Kolohe gets a call from Liam in the middle of the night, it’s noisy on his end and Kolohe can’t remember any of the boys mentioning a get-together or party.  
“Yeah? Do you know what time it is, Li?” Kolohe can hear the sleep affecting her voice and tries to clear her throat.   
“I do. But Harry is here having some kind of melt-down and we can’t get him to calm down.”  
“Who is “we”?” Kolohe asks but she’s already getting out of bed and making her way to the front door.  
“Never mind, I’m coming.” She’s there just as she’s ending the conversation. She walks through the door already able to hear Harry’s voice on the other side, although not completely able to make out what he’s saying. She goes in and finds Harry on Liam and Louis’ sofa, hunched over with his head in his hands and audibly crying.   
“What happened?” Kolohe asks quietly.  
“Something about Leslie breaking up with him.” Louis tells her with an unsure look on his face.  
“How long has he been like this?” Louis looks at Liam in question.  
“Since he got here 20 minutes ago. He was pacing before but finally sat down and hasn’t gotten up since then. We can’t understand what he’s saying because he won’t lift his damn head up.”  
Kolohe goes to Harry and crouches down in front of him; she touches his hands that are still covering his face and eases them away. Harry looks up at her and starts crying even harder, shaky apologies and countless other words Kolohe can’t entirely understand through his tears and cries. Kolohe lifts herself enough to sit down on the coffee table in front of Harry and then works on getting him to calm down.  
“Ku’ uipo, it’s okay. What ever happened, you’re gonna be okay.” Kolohe puts her hands over Harry’s and gives him a moment to try to calm himself on his own which she knows usually doesn’t work, but she always gives him the chance anyway.  
“Okay, can you tell me what you need? Can you tell me what happened?”   
Harry shakes his head and Kolohe watches his bottom lip tremble.   
“Pehea’ oe?” Harry looks up, knowing what she’s said.  
His voice is unsteady as he replies, “Bad, ‘Lohe.” He chokes out a cry and pulls a hand away from Kolohe’s to wipe his eyes. Kolohe looks up and behind Harry where Liam and Louis are still standing, and tries to signal for them to leave but they don’t move.  
“Hele aku!” She whisper-yells with a hand movement and they quickly disappear behind one of their bedroom doors.  
“Will you talk to me now, ipo?” Kolohe catches a tear on its way down Harry’s cheek and wipes it away on her pajamas.  
“I don’t think I know how to.” Kolohe looks at him confusedly but doesn’t say anything.  
“I’m not just… it’s not just because I got dumped again.” He manages to look her in the eye but she looks away, understanding that it’s about their situation.  
“Not like that… I mean it is because of that but also not? I don’t know.” Kolohe can tell he’s trying not to cry again, his eyes are bloodshot, nose red and hair looking like he’s run his fingers through it a hundred times tonight.  
Kolohe want’s to ask what he means but she doesn’t know if she would like the answer she’d get so she refrains and hopes he’ll jump in again.  
“I’ve been walking around since 3 o’clock; after Leslie dumped me I didn’t know where I should go, I didn’t know if you’d want to see me and I didn’t want to come home because everyone is mad at me. I just walked and tried to figure things out in my head. I kept wondering why nobody ever stays with me, why do I always get broken up with? How come things never last, you know? I figured it had to be me, I’m the only constant and everyone else has been the variable so it must be me an-“  
“You’re not the problem, ipo. Don’t put yourself down like that, you’ve been good to every girl you’ve been with. I know what people say about you, I pretend like I don't because I know you don't want me to know, but I do. It kills me when I hear people say things about you that aren't true because I know it hurts you. But the perception other people have of you is not your fault, they don't know you so their judgments are meaningless. I know you, H, I know that you’re not the problem, they are.” Kolohe hates when he says things that are put-downs to himself, she knows how much he’s struggled with his self-esteem because of girls using him or cheating.   
“No, ‘Lohe. Listen, I am the problem. I’ve been a serial dater, like everyone says, since I was fourteen; I’ve always had a girlfriend and I suppose I didn’t realize why I felt I needed one, I just kept doing the same thing over and over. And I ignored so many comments people made; I should’ve known how you felt. I should’ve taken the time to figure out if what people were saying had any truth to it. I can’t even count how many people made comments about us, asking if were dating, telling me I was stupid for not realizing what was right in front of me, even girlfriends thinking we were more than friends. I was stupid. I hurt you because I was afraid of what everyone was saying. I realize now that I didn’t listen because I didn’t want things to change, I didn’t want you to not be my friend anymore. The reason no one stayed with me was because they knew how close you and I are and that I wouldn't put them entirely in front of you as a priority.”  
“I never told you how I felt, H. This isn’t just on one of us, okay? I could’ve told you years ago and I chose not to everyday. I didn’t want things to change either. I thought that telling you would mean we wouldn’t be friends; you’re not alone with that worry. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable around me or question yourself before you speak or act, and I never wanted you to question my intentions. I feel like a lot of people assume things about our relationship, but you can't blame me for that and I can't blame you. We are how we are and that's that. The people who use our friendship as an excuse for being flaky and horrible aren't worth any bit of time."  
Harry looks like he has more to say than he knows how to; he shakes his head and scoots up further on the couch so he’s closer to Kolohe.  
“I’m not uncomfortable, you’ve never made me feel uncomfortable, please don't think that. I know I’ve been a jerk a lot of times and said stupid things that I shouldn’t have said, but I think I said those things or acted stupidly because I realized that you weren’t just the best friend I had when I was twelve… you know? I kind of had moments where I was forced to realize that you’re grown up like I am, and I don’t know, for a while I thought that everybody had someone who took care of them and worried for them, and did all the things you did… still do, but somewhere along the line I think I understood that yeah, people do have someone like that in their lives, but it’s not a best friend, it’s a girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse or whatever, it’s just not usually, or really ever a best friend and that scared the shit out of me. I think that maybe everyone was right. I was stupid and blind, you weren't just my friend. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had unknowingly been in a relationship with my best friend since I was twelve."  
“I- We haven’t been, H. I didn’t do and still do not do the things I do for you because I think or feel like we’re in a relationship. I do them because I love you and I want to do them as a friend, and as someone who has known you for the better part of my life. I’ve taken care of you since before I was a teenager, I don’t know how not to.”   
Harry looks nervous, the kind of nervous that shows when he’s trying to pretend like he’s fine, and Kolohe’s seen it enough to recognize it.  
“I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say… I don’t think I even know what I’m trying to say.” He lets out a breath and waits a moment before looking at Kolohe again.  
“I'm saying, I realize we’re not just friends and that we haven’t been for a long time.” Kolohe can see that Harry is trying to tell her something without having to say it directly, but she is completely confused. All she can really feel is her heart about to drop into her ass, if she’s being honest.   
“Harry, I know that we’re not like… normal friends or whatever but I mean, I can stop, I can try you know? I can like, let go a little bit if you need that. I-“ the shake in her chest results in tears making their way down her cheeks. “I, I don’t want to lose you, I can’t. I can’t believe I’ve rui-“ Harry cuts her off by holding one of her hands in his. Her reaction to thinking he wanted her to give him space sets in the realization of just how serious Kolohe’s feelings are towards him. He can’t believe he’s never noticed before.   
“You didn’t ruin anything, and I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to let go of anything, ‘Lohe. I was trying to tell you that I think—I think I should stop dating other people and like…maybe we could try to figure us out?” Harry has never seen Kolohe look so relieved and conflicted at the same time, her eyes are brighter with the wetness from her tears but won't stop scanning his face and he’s in disbelief that he’s failed to even properly look at her tonight. Her hair is still damp from showering and she’s wearing one of his old t-shirts and a pair of pajama shorts. She looks tired and on the verge of happy, her eyes are bright and vibrant despite her glasses obstructing them and he thinks she looks beautiful.  
“You’re going to have to tell me what you mean exactly,” Harry smiles at Kolohe’s uncertainty.  
“I mean I’d like to try being more than friends, if you want. We don’t have to make any decision right away or jump into dating right away but I just want to like, see if we can be more than what we are now without it changing the way we are now… If that makes sense.”   
Kolohe looks like she doesn’t know what to say and Harry can feel himself become nervous, his hands get clam-y and he searches her face for any sign that this wasn’t a huge mistake.   
“I-Yes. Yeah. Lets do that.” She doesn’t look as happy as Harry had hoped she would, so he’s worried, as any person would be with receiving this kind of reaction.   
“What’s wrong? You don’t seem happy.” Harry is still holding onto her hand and he can feel the trembling of her body through the touch.  
“No. I am, I just… overwhelmed? I never thought-“ She cuts herself off and Harry realizes it’s because she’s so emotional, she bows her head and wipes at her eyes with her free hand and he can see the trembling as her fingertips swipe under her eyes and across her cheeks.  
“Sorry.” Kolohe’s apology is unnecessary and Harry tells her so.  
“Don’t be. I’m pretty sure I’d be feeling the same if our roles were reversed.” Kolohe laughs a little and looks up.  
“You don’t think this will be weird, do you?” Harry can tell she’s dead serious, despite the less-than serious look on her face.  
“I mean, it might take some getting used to, but I really don’t see how much different it could be. We’re basically married anyway.” Kolohe smiles and laughs, two things that make Harry’s chest feel a lot lighter.   
“Okay, just… can we have like one rule?” Harry is really not sure what she’s going to say as a follow up, but he goes with it anyway.  
“Sure. What rule?” He can feel the serious mood set in again and feels the weight on his chest settle once again.  
“Tell me as soon as you have any doubts. Just tell me if you think things won’t work or if you don’t want to be with me as more than my friend, I just need you to do that. If this doesn’t work, I don’t want to lose you because of it. I want to work through whatever path we take, friends or more than friends, we have to talk things out together.”  
“I agree. It can be a rule for both us. I don’t want to stop being friends just because we’re trying this out, or even if we decide to um… make it official, I still want us to be friends too, you know? Even if you become my official girlfriend I still want you to be my best friend like you are now.  
Kolohe smiles so big that all the worries Harry’s had tonight feel as though they have vanished into thin air. He can’t help but move closer to her and wrap his arms around her. He can feel her press close to him and he takes the initiative to pull her onto the sofa with him, she makes a surprised sound but goes along happily. Harry’s happy just to feel her close to him again without feeling terrified of his next move or worrying about what to say or not to say. She’s warm and smells like sandalwood and vanilla, she’s petting his hair and it’s then that he realizes his face is practically buried in her boobs and he laughs. Kolohe sits back on his thighs and looks at him.  
“My face was like... right in there.” He laughs, the smirk on his face cocky and obnoxiously attractive.  
“Not the first time, ipo.” Her retort makes his smirk disappear momentarily, but it returns as he replies.  
“Not the last.” His words make Kolohe blush slightly and she leans forward and sets her head against his shoulder. It amuses Harry, he never embarrasses Kolohe, EVER, so this is rare for him to see.   
After a moment of sitting together they hear noise from behind the door that Louis and Liam went behind when Kolohe had told them to leave them alone earlier.  
“Can we come out now?” Harry had forgotten they weren’t in his or Kolohe’s apartment and that Liam and Louis were listening to everything they were saying. He’s the one with the blush on his cheeks now.  
“Yeah.” Kolohe says, and then lowers her voice, “fuckin pervs.” They both laugh as the two boys exit the bedroom.   
Liam and Louis have the same look on their face, excitement mixed with an expression of holding in everything they want to say.  
Once Kolohe smiles at them they burst, practically yelling with excitement.  
“Oh my God! Do you know how long we’ve waited for this?” Liam exclaims loudly.  
“Yeah, yeah. I get it, I get it.” Harry knows he’ll be hearing things like this for a while, but he’s happy and he’s happy that his friends are happy for him too.   
They sit and talk for a couple of minutes, the two boys too excited to let them go, but it’s late and they all need to get some sleep before the morning comes. They eventually all say their goodbyes and their last expressions of excitement and happiness for Harry and Kolohe who make their way out the door together and stop in the hallway between their separate apartments.   
“I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Kolohe looks up at him, she looks sleepy and happy, he feels the same way.  
“Yeah. I’ll come over when I wake up.” Kolohe smiles and nods and is about to turn but Harry kisses her cheek, a gesture that’s quite new for them as they mostly press kisses to the other’s temple, so it takes Kolohe a second to regroup, she blushes and Harry smiles and lets her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ku' uipo = Sweetheart  
> Pehea' oe? = How are you?  
> ipo = Babe/baby  
> Hele aku = go away


	11. It's The Game We Love

Their first days together were not only the first but also the last. Harry got “discovered” at one of his open-mic nights and in a matter of hours he was on the phone with a record label that wanted to meet him. In just a few days the meeting turned into him signing with a label, dropping out of university and preparing to record an album. He got really busy really fast and a lot of the things he was doing and was going to do were not things that Kolohe could be apart of, or even be there to experience with him. Harry couldn’t take Kolohe to meetings or to the small events he was getting invited to, not even the movie premier he was invited to and had a guest ticket for… the label didn’t want him to get into the scene with a girlfriend because single sold more singles.   
They had a relationship for about a month, and then it had to end because Harry’s label thought he’d do better if he started off in America because America is harder to break for British artists when they start out in England. If he were in America he’d have more opportunities for publicity and promotion. Kolohe encouraged him to take the opportunity because it was best for him, she couldn’t let him give it up for her, and she would never forgive herself if things didn’t work out for him in England. They broke up then, which gave them one week of being ex’s but it wasn’t so bad, Harry had so much going on he barely had time to think about it and Kolohe was so used to not having Harry that the adjustment back to what she knew for eight years was easier than she expected, but they both couldn’t deny how shitty they felt when there was no more work to be done and sleep seemed inevitable with everything in their heads going 60 miles an hour.   
It’s no surprise that their breakup and new living arrangement would result in a loss of contact over some time, except it took no time at all. They had maybe three phone calls in three months and texts here and there but replies stopped coming, calls started being missed or ignored, and a text might come Kolohe’s way that read, _Sorry, busy. Call u later”_ but that call never would come and Kolohe eventually had to give up because the disappointment hurt too much. On Harry’s time off he’d come home maybe twice a year, but that was only to Holmes Chapel, not to London to see the boys or Kolohe, so Kolohe never saw him except for when he started to make a name for himself and showed up in magazines or social media. It still hurt to see him, she still loved him but she had accepted that they just weren’t supposed to be together, if the eight years of pining didn’t say enough, then the month long relationship ending in a break up and Harry moving to another country definitely spoke volumes. 

Harry began his second tour several months ago, this time it’s world-wide, he’d been to Spain, Tokyo, Brazil, Australia, London and now he was back in the U.S., he’d played most of his dates already and was now done with his third-to-last show in California. He’d gotten used to hotel bed and continental breakfasts over the years but nothing rivaled a hotel with a bar that served drinks with a heavy hand. This particular hotel had the bar right in the lobby so he ordered himself a drink and sat down at one of the open tables, he was tired and a little sweaty from the show but still too jittery to sleep. He watched the doors to the lobby and watched people come in and out and get swept up in the revolving door. People of all kinds he’d see each night, some may even be fans of his but his team of bodyguards did a good job of giving him peace from the over-excited voices and requests for pictures and signatures. He watched a long black Hummer limo pulled up and the driver got out to open the door for the passengers. He wondered whom it was; he wondered who else was in town performing… or if it was just some bridal party or people being chauffeured for a fancy event.   
He was entirely wrong as only one individual got out, taking the hand of the driver to safely descend from the vehicle, thank him and then enter the lobby through the revolving door. He walked in the hotel looking tired, pushing a hand through stark white hair as he went to the lobbyist and asked something and then walked away. Harry watched him take the elevator up, the backside was clear so he saw his ascent, he stood on the side of the elevator, back pressed against the wall of it and head tipped back, he knew him from somewhere, he looked familiar, his mind immediately went to Niall but he knew he didn’t live in the States so he thought maybe he was projecting. But that hair… he knew that hair.  
He settled with his drink and after a moment he looked up and saw the same guy in the elevator again, this time on his way down. It wasn’t long before he was back at the lobbyist’s desk and then walking back to the elevator. Harry decided to go for it, he got up and walked quickly, calling out, “Niall, Niall!” It wasn’t until he had mostly caught up with him and said the name a little quieter that he turned around.   
“H-holy, oh my god!” It was him, Harry never thought he’d never see him again.   
“What are you doing here?” Harry was nearly crying just seeing him. He hadn’t seen anyone from back home for so long.   
“I live here… in California. I’m with a bunch of people here for a party.” Niall is smiling; Harry’s glad there’s no animosity.  
“Seriously? I can’t believe you came out here on your own… that’s some brave shit.”   
“Oh… no, I actually moved because ‘Lohe got accepted to Berkley. We moved together.” Harry can feel his heart rate pick up at the mention of Kolohe; he thinks about her all the time but never has the courage to send her a text or press call.   
“That’s amazing. Wow, she always talked about Berkley too.” Harry is happy for her, and proud in spite of not talking to her in over two years or having any presence in her life.  
“Yeah, she likes it a lot. Listen, I need to make a quick run to my room, the car is waiting for me. You should come to the party with me.” Harry smiles and nods, it doesn’t matter that he won’t know any of Niall’s friends because Niall will be there and he’s the best person to bring to any social event. Harry rides up the elevator with him and they talk all the way up to Niall’s room. Niall makes a quick swap of his shirt and explains he got someone’s drink spilled all over him. He gives washes him chest off with a washrag in the bathroom to get rid of the stickiness from the sugary drink and then they leave the room. Harry quickly sends a text to his security to relax tonight and that he’s going out with a friend and he doesn’t need any security guards for it.  
Niall tells Harry the group he’s with is headed to dinner at a Mexican restaurant but that he’ll make sure Harry can sit by him so it’s not awkward.  
When they get outside Harry can hear the music thumping from inside the limo and when the driver opens the door it blasts out, an old Usher song he knows word for word, he smiles and gets in the vehicle after Niall. It’s full of people he doesn’t recognize and can barely see since it’s so dark inside, however it’s not dark enough to keep him from recognizing the face at the opposite end of the car. Her hair is longer than he remembers it ever being, the lights from the sides and ceiling of the limo are reflecting in the lenses of her glasses so he’s not fully sure if she’s looking at him or if she’s upset.   
Niall should’ve told him that this party and group included Kolohe. Not that he would’ve been opposed to seeing her, he just would’ve like to be prepared. He takes gives an awkward wave to her and tries to smile but his stomach is so nervous it feels like he’s closer to barfing than anything.   
Harry looks to Niall but he just smiles and gives an “oops” shrug of the shoulders. He knew exactly what he was doing. Harry asks if there’s anything to drink, he’d appreciate a strong drink right about now.  
“Only water, soda and lemonade… it’s a sober party.” And that’s when Harry realizes this isn’t just a party, it’s a party for Kolohe because Kolohe doesn’t drink and would request that no one else drinks either. She’s never liked it, always said it made her feel unsafe.   
“It’s not her birthday, what’s the party for?” He’s hoping to God it isn’t something like an engagement party or something. The thought makes his stomach tighten.  
“She’s graduating early, got accepted into the post-grad fellowship program at Berkley. She’s gonna be an assistant professor. They’re saying she’s on track to be a new hire after she gets her PhD.” Harry can’t believe it, he’s always known that Kolohe was smart, smarter than anyone else he’d ever met actually, but this is her dream. He remembers the times when she would have breakdowns because she could hardly afford school in London and thought she’d never get past her first degree. She worked so hard through her first years in college, Harry always felt like he wasn’t doing enough when he saw everything she did in a week just for her classes. He wants to hug her so badly and tell her how happy and proud he is.   
“That’s incredible. Really.” Harry can see that Kolohe is looking at him now, the car is slowing down and he prepares to see her in a well-lit area and possibly talk to her face-to-face for the first time since he left London.  
As the car parks and the door opens Harry is first to be out since he was last in and he waits for everyone to unload. He gets a quick word in to Niall, asking if Kolohe will be mad that he’s here. Niall says no but Harry isn’t so sure.  
They have to put three tables together to fit all the people in their group but the staff at the restaurant doesn’t mind and are welcoming. Niall effectively gets himself seated next to Kolohe, which means Harry is also seated by Kolohe. Kolohe doesn’t seem to mind, she gives him a smile before someone asks for her attention and she listens to them.  
After they order drinks Kolohe touches Harry’s hand on the table and he shoots his head up to look at her.  
“Hey, sorry. I just wanted to say hi.” She’s got a light smile playing on her lips. Harry nods dumbly before responding.  
“Sorry I crashed your party. Niall’s good at leaving out details.” Kolohe laughs softly.  
“You’re fine. It’s good to see you. How are you?”  
“I-I’m good. Thanks. You… um, you’re really not mad at me?” Harry isn’t sure if she’s being nice because there are other people here or if she’s actually okay having him here unexpectedly.  
Kolohe tells Niall to order her the pinto beans and rice and then tells Harry to follow her. He gets out of his seat nervously; he can’t remember a time in his life that he was so nervous. Harry follows Kolohe outside of the restaurant and lets her talk first, unsure of what is about to happen.  
“You look scared to death, H. Just breathe.” She stands in front of him, her voice stays soft, he knows it’s too keep him calm.   
“I don’t know what’s happening. I feel like you’re gonna tell me something bad.” Those nervous thoughts fly out the window as soon as Kolohe smiles and shakes her head.   
“Nothing like that, I just didn’t want everyone listening at the table. I could tell you were afraid of my reaction. You don’t have to be. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other… or talked, but I mean, I’m not holding a grudge or anything.”  
“So, you’re not mad at me? I know when I left I was a dick; I said nothing would change but I didn’t do much to keep that promise. I was shit to you and I knew it.” Harry feels his voice wanting to shake; he’s got so much nervous energy running through him he feels sick.   
“I was mad for a while, but I let it go, it’s no use holding onto bad feelings, it just hurts more. I suppose I stayed sad longer, I missed you, you know? But, you’re here now, I’m not going to spend time being mad.” Kolohe, somewhere along the line of their conversation had gotten close enough to Harry that she could anxiously run her fingers along the bottom seam of his t-shirt. He knows she anxious because this isn’t the first time she’s done this.  
“I’m not the only one that’s nervous.” Harry looks down at her, watching her hands stutter and release his shirt.   
“We should go inside, I’m sure Niall is telling everyone we’re star-crossed or something ridiculous.” She pulls it off well, but Harry can tell she’s avoiding the subject hardcore, but that’s telling in itself, he pulls her into his side and she instinctively curls into his body and hugs him.   
“You’re so annoying. Let’s go in, H.” His body muffles her voice; he laughs and lets her go.   
Their reemergence into the restaurant is met with the whole table hooting and hollering, Kolohe shakes her head and Harry tries to hide his smile as Kolohe says, “Niall is full of shit. Shut up.” The rest of the table erupts into laughter and Kolohe gives Niall a glare.   
Halfway into the dinner Harry catches Niall staring at him with a smug look on his face. The primary conversation at their end of the table has been between Kolohe and himself, most of which was too quiet for the rest of the table to hear. Part of Harry feels bad for stealing Kolohe’s attention, the other half basks in it; he feels like a cat that just found a sliver of warm sun on the floor. He could live the rest of his life under the spotlight of Kolohe’s attention.  
After dinner the group gets back into the limo and is taken to a go-carting and laser-tag place. Harry laughs when they pull up, most people celebrate by getting drinks, Kolohe celebrates by riding go-carts late at night. The track is well-lit so it’s safe to ride later at night, and they effectively do so.  
There’s a few other groups there so they have to wait in line but no one minds, Niall ends up telling a story about Kolohe and Harry and everyone ends up laughing, except Harry who gets embarrassed and hides his face by curling his body into Kolohe’s and placing his head on her shoulder. He can hear her laugh and feels her touch, one hand on his left bicep, the other running softly up and down his back. When he removes himself he pouts at Niall for embarrassing him.  
“You know, I have stories too, Ni!” Niall puts his hands up in surrender. Soon enough they get their turn on the carts.   
Harry’s legs are so long his knees are probably a danger to his face by the proximity and Kolohe has to get a little cushion behind her so she can reach the gas better; she also ends up giving the group the finger for laughing at her.   
They have fun… a lot of fun. Harry can’t remember the last time he has such a good time and laughed so hard. After the go-carts go back to the hotel. Some people leave to go home, others are staying at the hotel. Kolohe thanks everyone for coming and tells them to enjoy the pool but she’s worn out and is going to relax and go to sleep.  
Kolohe must see that Harry’s not sure of what to do because she walks over to him after talking to the rest of the group.  
“You can hang out with Niall and them if you want.”   
“I don’t want to.” Harry knows he’s giving her a look that’s asking more than he can verbalize but he can’t help it.  
“You’d rather be boring then?”   
“With you. If you’ll let me.” Kolohe rolls her eyes and sneakily gets a finger in one of his belt loops to tug his forward. He stumbles but smiles stupidly anyway.   
They take the elevator up to Kolohe’s room, Harry would never admit it, but he’s so desperate to for Kolohe to call him something in Hawaiian. She hasn’t yet and he feels like if she does then that would mean that everything is really okay. He just wants to hear certain words, he’s not heard names like _ipo,_ and _E Ku’u aloha_ for way too long.   
“You find something to watch, I need to wash my face and get out of these jeans.” Harry hops on the bed and grabs the remote to begin his search. Kolohe grabs clothes from her luggage and goes to the bathroom.   
Harry eventually settles on _House M.D._ as it’s one of the few shows on that he’s actually heard of. Kolohe comes out of the bathroom fresh-faced and dressed in some little shorts and a tank top, he remembers that she wasn’t expecting anyone else but herself in her room tonight and doesn’t say anything. She climbs on the bed and settles herself under the covers.  
“What are we watching?” Harry looks back at her to answer.  
“ _House M.D._ , it’s one of the only shows I know of that’s on.” He should know more about American television but he rarely watches television and really mostly watches what’s on Netflix.  
“Sounds good. If there’s any blood or stabbing, cutting, drilling stuff I’m covering my eyes.” Harry laughs.  
“Me too.” Kolohe smiles at him, “come lay,” she says.  
Harry moves right away, he takes his jeans off, at first he second guesses but goes with it, not only would he be uncomfortable but Kolohe would undoubtedly complain that he’s scratching her legs or that his belt buckle is poking her.  
He gets under the covers and Kolohe lets him cuddle in next to her. Their roles have always been a little odd, Kolohe’s played big spoon since they were kids and Harry realizes it’s not changed at all, and also how strange it has to look, seeing such a tall person cuddled into a much smaller one. Kolohe’s always been his biggest comfort though, and being in such a familiar position reminds him of why. When they’re like this his mind is clear, he doesn’t have to worry or over-think anything, he’s taken over by Kolohe’s presence, by the lingering smell of perfume on her skin and the light touches on his skin, he feels light. 

They watch TV for just a short while, then Kolohe falls asleep. Harry tries to get the remote without disturbing her and thankfully succeeds. He shuts the TV off and settles his head onto the pillow and waits for sleep. It’s not long before Kolohe shifts in her sleep and turns into Harry, her head going from the pillow to his chest and leg coming up by his hip. He gets an arm around her and holds her close to him. He takes a minute to thank God or whoever is watching over him for bringing him back to Kolohe and reminding him that sometimes a place isn’t home, sometimes your home is a person.   
When morning comes Harry wakes up first, he’s got Kolohe still curled into his side, he remembers during the night he moved and didn’t feel Kolohe next to him, so he pulled her back close with only a little sleepy grumble as a complaint for being moved. He should probably think things through before doing them, especially with Kolohe. He’s been with her less than 24 hours after two years and already feels himself getting comfortable, getting attached and in ways he would’ve never thought he’d be capable of when he was 18. He wants more than he ever did, he feels like he needs her the way he did when he first met her, she feels safe, like nothing can hurt him when he’s with her, and he desperately wants to cling to that. He never let himself get too deep into thinking about her after he left, he figures he knew that if he did, if he let himself miss her the way he knew he did, he would’ve quit. He would’ve broken down and went running back to London, that distance he put between them was what made it possible for him to do what he dreamed of… he just knew that when he dreamed of being a musician with a record deal he wouldn’t be alone. Kolohe was there, in some way she was always there and in reality is didn’t work that way. He had to learn to live without her, he’d had more times of expecting things to be there, to be done and handled than he’d like to admit. He had to be the one to take care of buying groceries, picking up shampoo and deodorant, making appointments and remembering the dates and times. He had to learn how to handle his emotions alone; he still wasn’t very good at it though. A few months after he moved he really started to understand what Kolohe did for him, how often she was there for him, how he never had to worry about being alone, Los Angeles was a lot more lonely than he ever imagined.   
Kolohe wakes up as Harry is having an intense thinking session, she snaps him out of it when she makes a little “mmm” sound as she exhales a deep breath.   
“Aloha kakahiaka.” She looks up at him, head still on his chest, eyes sleepy but a small smile lies on her lips.  
“Haven’t heard that in a long time.” Harry isn’t sure how honest he should be so soon, but there are some things he really wants her to know. Like how much he missed hearing her Hawaiian accent, or how he used to watch movies about surfing and Hawaii because they reminded him of her when he missed her on tour.   
Kolohe doesn’t say anything; instead he feels her touching the bare skin of his hip.  
“This is new.” She says, referring to the frond tattoo. She traces it with her finger and lifts his shirt to see the whole of it.  
“Yeah, one on each side. I got them a while ago.” His voice wavers; the feel of her fingers running over his skin is giving him goosebumps.   
“You covered up _might as well…_ , I always liked that one.” She smooth’s her thumb across where the old tattoo used to be.   
“I know. It started to seem like an excuse to not do things rather than incentive to do things.” Kolohe hums and presses a soft kiss to the underside of his jaw, he knows it’s because he’s not giving her the whole story and she knows there more too it, but he can tell that she understands he doesn’t want to get into it. He doesn’t want to tell her it became an excuse to not call or text or visit, it became, “might as well just leave it alone” and “might as well accept that it’s been too long.”   
Kolohe gets up, “enough laying in bed already. There’s breakfast to be had.” Harry smiles and agrees. They throw the covers off themselves and Harry puts his pants back on while Kolohe gets dressed and brushes her teeth.  
He pops in the bathroom after he hears the water turn on and the door open again.  
“Do you just want to bring your stuff to my room?” Harry sees the looks Kolohe gives him and hurries on with, “so you can check out and we can get ready in my room. It’d just lessen the trips back and forth is all.” Harry can feel the heat in his cheeks. He didn’t mean to suggest what it sounded like.   
“I’m sure, H.” She looks like she wants to laugh but she’s got a toothbrush in her mouth. She takes it out and says, “But yes, I’ll bring my stuff to your room.” Harry’s relieved; he grabs his boots by the door but doesn’t bother putting them on just to take them off again.  
He waits for Kolohe to put her things back into her duffle bag and then they move on to Harry’s room.   
There Harry takes a shower and changes clothes, Kolohe tells him she’s coming right back in once he’s in the shower so she can use the mirror, so they share the space and end up talking the whole way through Harry’s shower. He finds out Kolohe still talks to Gemma and his mom, which he was never told anything about by either of them, he figures he shouldn’t have expected everyone to disband just because he did.   
Harry gets dressed outside of the bathroom so Kolohe can finish with tying her hair up because apparently it’s a mess today, even though Harry thinks it looks fine, but what does he know about girl hair anyway, all he does it let his free or put it in a bun.   
“Got pants on?” Kolohe asks before she comes out of the bathroom.  
“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to destroy your pure eyes.” Harry jokes, he thinks he’s pretty funny sometimes.  
Kolohe comes out of the bathroom and says, “You’re just as dumb as I remember.” She laughs as Harry pouts.   
“I could never be as smart as you, _Berkley_.” Kolohe laughs and throws a pillow at him.  
“Are you almost ready? Niall’s probably already emptied a vending machine.”   
“Yeah, yeah. I’m ready. I just have to let security know where we’re going.” He says it so casually that Kolohe has to tease him.  
“Yeah, just gotta talk to my body guards ‘cuz I’m so famous and cool.” She uses her mocking “uppity” voice and Harry wants to laugh but he’s trying hard not to.  
“Please shut up” his serious tone fails as he smiles before he gets the whole first word out.  
“You know, I’m surprised no one’s recognized you yet.” Kolohe is turned away from him, reaching for her wallet on the bed. Her answer comes in Harry’s silence.  
“You have been haven’t you? How did I not know?” She looks bewildered.  
“I haven’t, I’m not th-“ Kolohe’s eyes narrow and he knows he’s caught.  
“You’re a terrible liar.”   
“I’m-“   
“A liar.” Kolohe cuts him off. She’s right in front of him as she pokes his stomach. He knows she’s just teasing but it feels like she’s flirting, he can’t remember if it was always like this, always so blurred for them. He wishes he could ask Niall or Zayn but he’s pretty sure they’d just tell him how oblivious he’s always been. He wonders what Kolohe wants; if she’s still in a place where he’s something she wants.  
He realizes he’s been having this sudden wave of thought, as Kolohe is right in front of him, now looking at him in question.   
“Pehea ‘oe?” Harry looks at her and can’t understand how he went so long believing that they were just friends. That he thought of her as just a friend when he’s looking at her now and thinking about how beautiful she is, how he doesn’t want to leave her or have to say goodbye again. How badly he wants what he was afraid of back in London.   
“I really want to kiss you.” He can tell it takes her off guard, she doesn’t quite know what to say right away.  
“Is that such a good idea?” Her voice sounds a little nervous, he wonders if she’s been with anyone in California, if she let Harry go to find love somewhere else. If she hasn’t been he thinks that’d explain the nerves.  
“Dunno.” He can feel himself move closer, she’s standing up against the bed, he’s mindful not to knock her over. She’s scanning his face; he feels a bit of déjà vu, the look she’s giving him feels familiar like he’s seen it more than once before.   
“You can’t leave. You don’t get to go away again.” Harry nods, he knows. He knows that if this happens, his life changes all over again. It’s a commitment he’s been too afraid to make before this.   
“I know.” His voice comes out hushed, his heart is beating so fast he can feel it smacking in his chest. He waits for Kolohe’s yes or no before doing anything, a small nod of the head is his confirmation and he leans forward.   
The second the kiss starts Harry knows it will be hard to stop. He didn’t know someone could kiss him the way he wants to be kissed without any direction. He can feel himself making Kolohe bend as he kisses her and successfully picks her up and switches their positions so Harry can sit and Kolohe can straddle his hips.  
He loves the feeling of Kolohe’s fingers in his hair and when she catches his bottom lip with her teeth he feels like he might pass out. They had never kissed, their “dating trial” never resulted in a kiss, Harry was afraid he’d mess it up and Kolohe wasn’t willing to make the move and have it scare Harry off. This kiss is approximately 11 years in the making.   
He pulls her even closer to him and she makes a startled little sound that ends in an “hm mmm” as he kisses her neck.   
“H-harry.” She breaks out his name and gets a hand in his hair to keep him from going back to kissing her. He looks up and sees her flushed cheeks and wet mouth, the rough hand in his hair making it even harder to resist.  
“Breakfast. Everyone is waiting.” Harry makes a “ughhhh” sound as he drops back onto the bed, thankfully Kolohe let go of his hair before he did so.  
“I’d rather stay here.” He looks up at her, still settled over his hips, her fingers curled in his belt loops.  
“And then you’ll complain that you’re starving.” She knows him too well sometimes; it’s obnoxious.  
“You get me all hot and bothered and then force me to eat breakfast… you’re a monster.” Kolohe rolls her eyes.   
“Yeah, punishment by make outs and food, my bad. C’mon.” She slides off his lap and pulls him up by the hand. Harry gets his boots on and Kolohe slips her own shoes on then Kolohe is pulling him out the door.   
They take the elevator down to the lobby where everyone is waiting. On their ride down Kolohe gives Harry a look, one he knows warrants a “What?”  
“The second Niall looks at you he’s gonna know we kissed. He’ll never shut up about it.” Harry laughs, but he knows she’s right about Niall never letting it go if he finds out. He just doesn’t know if she’s okay with everyone knowing.   
“How will he know?” He can’t tell Kolohe kissed him, aside from replaying the whole thing in his head as evidence.   
“Look in a mirror, your lips are cherry red and swollen, either you stuck a vacuum hose to your face or someone else was attached to it.” She mostly just sounds amused, he figures she wouldn’t be upset if Niall did figure it out.  
Harry smiles, “Yeah, _you_ were attached to my face. This isn’t my fault!” He laughs lightly as Kolohe raises a brow at him and the elevator dings to tell them they’re on their floor.  
Harry stops her before they turn the corner into the main lobby area to ask what’s been on his mind. “Would you really be upset if Niall found out? Like, I don’t want to say anything if you don’t want to. I know we haven’t talked about it, but I was hoping we wouldn’t have to hide or pretend. I just want to be with you, like um... mau loa? Did I say that right? I googled it last night.” Kolohe smiles, she almost looks close to crying.  
“Yeah, ku’uipo, mau loa—forever.” She cups his face and kisses him softly. “We’ll talk everything out later. But we’re not pretending or hiding. It’s all out there if you want it to be. Just, keep in mind this is more than just us, you have a career that at one point required you to be sans girlfriend. Will it be okay for that to change?” He knows she’s right, and he should’ve thought about that side of things more, but he’s got more power than he did when he first started out, he knows his love life is his choice now, even if his PR team tries to tell him otherwise.  
“It’s nobodies choice but mine. I’m better when I have you anyway.” Harry kisses the top of her head and they walk into the lobby together.

**Author's Note:**

> Hauli = Tourist  
> Na'u 'oe = You're mine


End file.
